Last month I turned 31. I am noticing my first white hairs, wrinkles, and my inability to eat whatever I want and not get fat. As girls, we dream of having our own family our entire lives. I loved my Barbie dolls, but not like I loved my baby dolls.
A few months ago my dad dug out some old family videos of my 3rd birthday party. I must have opened 10 gifts and tossed them all to the side until I got to the gift I was obviously looking for – a new baby doll and a wooden play crib.
After that point, my three-year-old self had zero interest in opening any other gifts. I was content. My little heart was completely full. I began ignoring all of my guests and party events and decided it was more important that I hold and rock my new baby.
At one point in the video I must have decided the baby needed a nap so I laid her down and covered her with wrapping paper because I couldn’t find a blanket.
I can’t imagine anything I want more than a family. I was called to the ministry when I was 13-years-old and have been pursuing the same vocation my entire life, but I believe I would even lie down that dream to have a family.
Almost a year ago, my husband and I decided to try for a baby. We got pregnant the first month of trying. My hormones were off the chart and my headaches got worse, but we were so excited and full of hope for our unborn child.
About 6 weeks in, I had a miscarriage. It was devastating to me. I felt as if our dream was shattered. It was my plan to start trying again right away, but Luke and I both came to a decision that we were not quite ready to have a baby.
We began to feel overwhelmed with the idea. We don’t feel settled. We are in transition and the thought of adding the stress (even good stress) of having a baby was and is too much. Luke arrived at the decision first and I bucked against him initially.
I felt as though time was running out. I am 31 and half of our friends already have 2 children. I sensed my biological clock was ticking and wanted to get the show on the road despite the stress we were both feeling.
I cried my eyes out, but I knew Luke was right. I sensed the Lord was asking me to put this dream on hold until He gives us the go. Once I accepted that it was not the right time I began to feel a sense of relief.
I also realized that I needed to get healthier before trying for a child again. I realized that if I would not have had a miscarriage, I would have struggled to care for a baby at this point in my life.
I want a baby more than I want anything in the world, but a blessing can sometimes feel like a curse if it is not in God’s timing.
Sometimes I am tempted to worry. What if I run out of time? What if I am older than 35 when I get pregnant and have a high-risk pregnancy? What if it takes years to conceive and I end up having only one child? The “what ifs” are endless.
But I choose to trust God and when Luke and I both are more at peace with the idea and my health is better we will try again. This could be 6 months from now or years from now. I don’t know. I hope it is sooner than later, but I will not force it. Luke and I together will wait on the Lord’s timing and I believe the Lord’s timing is when we are both at peace at the same time.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding (Proverbs 3:5).
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