Online Dating Sux #SingleWithLeah

Welp, summer is here. Beach time is in full swing, and last night I ate an entire gluten free / dairy free pizza by myself. So yeah, you could say that I’m taking this whole summer-body thing super seriously.

I’m gonna be honest with y’all: I know in the past I have blasted online dating, but I have to admit that I’ve only blasted it because I am so, so familiar with it. I just finished up a much-too-long stint on eHarmony in which I met a guy from New Jersey who kept calling me, “Miss” and it really just felt like I was a kindergarten teacher or an elderly florist or something. I’m off topic.

I work a bajillion hours a week at a church that is full of thousands of people, maybe like 7 of which are single. That ratio is probably inaccurate, but that’s how it feels. I am propelled into the spotlight and I’ve been told that I’m unapproachable because of it. That has really never made sense to me, but okay, sure, I’m unapproachable.

Because of my work hours and the fact that no single guy in my church will actually come and talk to me, maybe because of my position, but probably mostly because I have a natural scowl on my face 99% of the time without realizing it, online dating seemed like a natural choice for me. I don’t go to clubs. I don’t really do bars. I don’t go to singles groups because I am so socially awkward. So it just felt like it might be a good fit.

I’ve tried Match. I’ve tried eHarmony. I once tried ChristianMingle for 12 hours, but was freaked out. When I was young and naive I tried Plenty of Fish (not recommended unless you have fetishes that you want to explore and/or like guys who wear socks with sandals and John Cena t-shirts.)

Can we all just take a minute and laugh at the fact that online dating is so, so, so ridiculous? You have to laugh sometimes, or else you will be on your 15th second date in 3 months and you’ll have gained 12 pounds from all of the nachos that you are consuming to cover up for the fact that you are slowly dying because the guy you are currently out with won’t stop talking about how much he lifted at the gym today. “We should work out sometime together cutie. You can be my spotter.”

**nervously laughs** Haha, uhhhh, well, ummm…are there more nachos?

So yeah, it’s summer, and it’s supposed to be fun and exciting and summer-lovin and whatnot, am I’m still single and still eating entire pizzas by myself (I am somebody’s dream girl, I swear), so I’ve decided that I need to laugh. So yeah, let’s laugh. Let’s take a really fun look at some of the people that you meet online, not to make fun of them, but more to make fun of ourselves because these are the people that we are actually choosing between and going on dates with.

The Spiritual Sam: 
Am I looking for a guy that has the same values as me? Yeah, I am. But I am freaked out by people who take their entire profile and use it as a salvation message and alter call. And what are those misspellings? Are you speaking in tongues? Like dude, do you like sports or nah? Do you like hiking? Do you like dogs? What’s your favorite color? No, washed-in-the-blood red is not a color. Not everything has a spiritual connotation, and I don’t really want to be talking about Jesus while hockey is on, unless Jesus is actually the first name of one of the players.

The Caps Lock Sufferer:
If I get a message from anyone in all caps, I assume 1 of 3 things: 1) A celebrity that I love has died. 2) You are an angry elf. 3) You saw my ex and his new girlfriend has a tongue ring. So when I’m online, and I get a message that is full on caps locking, I feel like you are shouting at me. Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoy a good shouting match in a relationship. Sometimes you just need to get it out and then have a good kiss after, but we’re not there yet, Jason4u1982. So I’m gonna need you to relax. Unless of course Leonardo DiCaprio has died, then by all means, caps lock away.

The Passive Aggressive Peter:
The Passive Aggressive Peter has to be my most fave person on dating websites, only because it makes me laugh every single time. I want to start by saying that this scenario that I am about to describe has happened to me REPEATEDLY and it never ceases to amaze me that this happens at all.

I get a message from a guy, and I don’t feel the need to respond right away, because I have this crazy thing called a job and sometimes it gets busy. After a few hours of not responding, I get another message from this same guy that says, “Well, okay then. If you don’t want to talk, you could have just said so.” Oh man, I did want to talk. But, I don’t want to talk anymore because you seem like somebody who would text me 12 times while I was at the grocery store asking who was with me and that he misses me and wondering if I’m mad at him because I didn’t send an emoji with that last text. Babe, I’m here for peanut butter, tortilla chips and coconut milk and yeah, possibly a new boyfriend.

The Overconfident Omar:
I once got a message from a guy, and he was just super aggressive. Something along the lines of “Hey baby, you would complete my life, and trust me, my life is really good. Let me show you a good time. You won’t be disappointed.” First of all, gag. Second of all, you did just show me a good time simply by sending me that message that has since been screenshotted and sent to all of my girls. So I didn’t respond, mainly because I had NO IDEA how to respond to that, and after a few minutes, he messaged me again, and said, not even kidding, the following thing: “Awww, you got nervous and intimidated by me and didn’t know what to say back. That’s so cute. That’s okay, honey. I can work with that.” Guys, I died. Twice. You can “work” elsewhere, homie. Commence screenshotting, round two.

So yeah, were these guys ridiculous? Yeah, they were. But then again, my latest screen name on one of these sites was “TheBestGuacamole,” so who is actually the ridiculous one?

But in all honesty, dating of all kinds sucks. Sometimes we need to give people a chance. And sometimes, all the time, actually, we need to trust our gut. You are smart and informed and you know yourself better than anyone else, and if you don’t want to date somebody, don’t date them. And if you go on a few dates with them, and you don’t like them, then that’s okay. And if they’re totally not your type, but you like them a lot, that’s okay, too.

It’s summer sixteen, y’all. Let’s have fun. Let’s eat pizza. Let’s order nachos on a date. And most of all, let’s laugh at our lives because sometimes, you really just have to. And hey, if you’re thinking of joining an online dating site, feel free to use “TheBestGuacamole” as your screen name. You’re so welcome.

Leah Barterian works as the Youth Program Director at Grace Christian Church in Metro Detroit, Michigan. She is extremely passionate about singleness, Red Wings hockey, social equality, and late-night snacking. She loves baked cheetos, puppies, and laughing at videos where people slip on the ice. She inexplicably hates black beans and humidity. Follow Leah on Twitter and Instagram @Leahbarterian. Explore Leah’s blog HERE.

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