The lurking of darkness and the raging of waves could be pounding against our souls. The rain could be falling down. The trees swaying in the storm. The air thick. The feeling eerie and overcast.
You look down and see gravel. You look up and see sky. But the sky is cloudy and you know a storm is happening in your heart. Fear takes hold. Should I stand still? Should I keep moving? Should I go into grave denial and pretend like everything’s just fine?
If I stay in my current spot of safety, I am comfortable to a degree, but I am not free. If I get up and try to rise above the storm, I might fall down. It will hurt. The pain may be more than I can bear. I will be alone. No one can help me even if they wanted to. No one can understand my battle. No one has walked in my shoes.
I guess I will just sit here and ignore my aching heart. I want to be wild. I want to run freely through wildflower fields. I want to take off my socks and shoes and be a kid running up and down the sidewalk.
I want it to be OK to tell the world, “I am not OK.”
But it’s not OK because no one understands my grief, my struggle, my pain, my fears. They will misunderstand my heart and my heart is already vulnerable. I will just stand still. I will accept my prison of loneliness. I know the door is open. I know I don’t have to walk alone, but allowing others in is too much of a risk. Too many expectations I won’t be able to meet.
All I can hear is silence. God, where are you? Have you left me? Did I do something wrong? Are you in a bad mood today? Did you forget about me? How long will you allow my enemies to defeat me? When will you show up for me? I have so many questions for you, but I will lay them all down, if you will just speak my name.
If I could hear you, sense you, see you, feel you, and somehow grasp you just a little deeper, everything would be OK. I would not be alone. I could let go of my fears. I could dance among wildflowers, free as a child.
I want to discover you. I have known you for a long time, yet I know there are facets to your being I have yet to unlayer. I want to go deeper. The deepest part of my being cries out to the deepest part of your being and I know there is more.
I am more satisfied with your love than anyone else’s, but I know there is so much more. I am not threatened by mysticism. Not threatened in the least. I want it. I want my spirit to lead my soul. I want to see the unseen. I want to hear what I have never been able to hear. I want to think thoughts I know are not my own. I want to dream dreams from above. I want to entertain angels.
I want to taste the divine.
I am a supernatural being stuck in a natural existence with natural laws that confine me. I want to break lose. I desire more than what is right in front of me. No, I need more than what is right in front of me. An earthly existence is not enough. A job to do is not enough. A human to hold is not enough. I am not sufficient without you.
I need more than water and food to survive for another 50 years. I need you. I need you. I need you.
Will you come down? Will you take over my heart? Will you invade my life? Will you change me forever, year by year, day by day, and minute by minute.
I will not stop searching until I find you in every crevice of my being.
Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls; All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me. -Psalm 42:7
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