Many of my online readers have asked me when I am going to write that first book that I said I was going to write years ago; the answer is, after I am healed from the post-traumatic oppression, discrimination and suppression of the Christian Patriarchy.
The truth is that I have written over 100,000 words of content behind the social media scene, but every time I go to complete the project, I feel major resistance emotionally.
Though I am sensitive, I am not always the best at understanding my complex emotions. I tend to live in my head; I feel most comfortable connecting with others on an intellectual level.
For that reason, my emotions often take the form of physical pain and emotional pain so deep & demanding, before I can and will work on healing whatever emotional wounds from the past that I have sought to deny, ignore and numb for many years.
Years of oppression in any form will cause emotional, psychological, physical and spiritual trauma; for me, this trauma has often showed up in a form of “PTSD” due to my tendency to detach from how I actually feel in the moment.
I never want to give anyone the “credit” of hurting me; I hate that so many Christian leaders have had that sort of power over me. The truth; however, is that many Christian leaders did hurt me and because it happened over and over again throughout my adult life, I never really had a chance to recognize & work on healing my deeply wounded soul.
It’s sort of embarrassing looking back on it now, but I wanted to be accepted in the white evangelical church culture that I grew up in; not just for a woman with “equal worth” in theory, but also as a woman who was born to be a leader.
Each and every time that I thought that I was going to finally be accepted by what I saw as my “church family,” I was ultimately oppressed, diminished, under-estimated, silenced and ignored in very strange, life-shattering, traumatic ways.
It took a lot of time for me to realize that I kept getting into these terrible situations for the purpose of me seeing where I need to heal. Since I am hard-headed, it took several traumatic experiences for me to wake up to the fact that I am holding unto wounds and goals that are no longer serving me.
The last time I was fiercely rejected and discriminated against by the Christian patriarchy, I stopped dead in my tracks and took some time to think about why I keep allowing the people who rejected me to run my heart and WHY I KEEP TRYING TO FIND HEALING BY RETURNING TO MY ABUSER (with different names and faces) OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
I have recently realized that it is time to find a new life track.
This idea of turning around and finding a new road to travel scares me greatly because I have been on this same road since I was 13-years-old. I am considering going back to school to become a social worker; who knows though, I simply know that it is time for me to move on from trying to be a tangible female leader in the local white evangelical world.
As I allow myself to accept my anger, sadness and the greatest disappointment of my life, I am slowly and naturally going to be able to forgive the Christian patriarchy for rejecting me.
As I allow myself to go through this healing process, completing my first book will not be so triggering and it will not be filled with inexperienced and hallow knowledge on how to heal from patriarchal oppression.
I refuse to release a book with my own dark shadows of judgement, resentment & bitterness scattered through the message. When I am fully healed and these gaping wounds turn into scars, I plan to complete my first book.
I want to continue to learn how we together can heal from oppression and systemic abuse (as well as all of the life problems that come from being systemically oppressed for years), but I must first face my own illusions and come to terms with my own reality.
Healing is essential to taking our mission of “breaking the glass steeple” to the next level.
We must break free from old patterns of thinking and change our own lives where needed and wanted if we want to help others break free. We cannot dig others out of “dark pits” until we ourselves have found a way out. As for me, it’s time for me to let some major pain go. I can’t carry it any longer; it’s been holding me back from my fullest destiny for a long time and it’s time to let it all go.
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