Today I Fight Back Tears…


Today I fight back the tears as I write. Some days the pain seems more than I can bear. I don’t like being vulnerable and my pride often gets in the way of me sharing the full truth. I don’t like pity parties. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I often plaster a big bright smile for the world because I want everyone to believe that I am perfectly happy.

The truth is that I am often unhappy – way more often than I would like to admit. Life is a series of things not happening the way I would like them to.

I am on a constant search for joy because joy is not contingent on the happenings of life. It is a steady peace – sort of a knowing that everything will be OK. Joy is not a feeling per se. It is a stillness. It is a journey to find joy and anyone who says they have found joy in its fullness is an annoying liar.

I am certain of one thing. Joy can only be found in the one true God. I wish I could find it in warm chocolate chip cookies, lazy days on the beach, a perfect latte, a sincere love letter, a new puppy, a breath taking expression of art, or an extraordinary relationship; but all those things can do is offer me temporary happiness.

Thank you God for temporary happiness. It is often the little things that get us through the day, but what will get us through this often cruel trick we call life?

Today I saw the chiropractor and had x-rays done. Apparently I have arthritis in my neck and unfortunately he is not the first professional to make this observation. It’s not a good sign at age 30, but at least there are things we can do to help slow down the premature aging. The pain is almost unbearable, but then again, I am sure “unbearable” would not allow me to sit and type this right now.

Since I already suffer with chronic migraines, neck problems only instigate the suck-fest. Maybe a Christian with a Master’s Degree should not say “suck-fest” but my mom would be mad at me if I said what I really wanted to say.

The point is that life is more than hard and sometimes I want to punch it straight in its face. If life had a face, it would be ugly and easy to knock out, but since it doesn’t I am faced with a daily choice. Will I become bitter OR will I become better?

Will I allow the unfortunate happenings of my life to steal my joy or will I lie my broken heart and body at the Cross of Jesus Christ? Will I allow life to defeat me or will I defeat it? Will I find my joy in God or will I continue on the hamster wheel of temporary happiness?

The truth is that I can spend my entire life seeking the next good life-happening, anxiously waiting the next catastrophe, making myself and everyone around me miserable with my never ending highs and lows –  OR I can get off the rollercoaster ride, be still, and know that He is God.

 I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.  -Jesus (John 15:11)

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  • Oh, Jory. I am so sorry to hear of yet another cause of pain for you. I already think it sucks that you
    have migraines, now not something else, too! And I agree, don’t let bitterness be an option. Oswald
    Chambers says we become bitter to the degree that we do not give thanks. So thankfulness IN the
    pain is the antidote. I am praying those migraines will subside.

    • Betty- thank you and I just love you for caring! I feel your heart through these comments and that makes me feel much better!!! 🙂 Plus, I love that you say “sucks!” HAHA!

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