A little over 9 months ago I had a miscarriage. Even typing this sentence makes my eyes well up with tears. I think to myself how I should be holding him or her right now. I think about what he or she would have looked like, what name Luke and I would have chosen, how our parents would have adored our baby, how our siblings, nieces, and nephews would have interacted with our child.
I was only about 6 weeks along when it happened, but it was one of the saddest days of my life. It was unexpected. I never knew how common miscarriages were and I certainly never imagined that I would be a victim of one. I took off work and stayed home to mourn the great loss. I cried all day long.
Thankfully, my miscarriage was not physically painful. The most devastating aspect was the fact that my dream was shattered. I had already begun planning a shabby chic nursery on Pinterest, researching the best strollers, and imagining a beautiful baby shower with all of the women in my family and close girlfriends.
Just about a week prior to the miscarriage, Luke and I had told both of our parents, our siblings, and some of our close friends we were expecting. We watched their faces light up with joy at the thought of another child to love. Our child would be an extension of who we are and those who love us really enjoyed the idea.
I daydreamed of watching Luke be a daddy for the first time and him watching me be a mommy for the first time. We were already planning how we would take turns waking up with the baby. We even saw the baby on an ultrasound a week prior; he or she was as tiny as a pea, but we fell in love with that small dot on the screen.
When we lost the baby, it felt like a little piece of my heart went with him or her, but I am OK with that. I don’t want that chip of my heart back; I want to meet my baby in heaven someday and know that he or she has kept it safe all of my life.
When I began to slowly share my experience with others, many women began to admit that they too had experienced a miscarriage. I was shocked at how many. It was as if it was too painful to ever tell anyone unless they too went through the same loss.
I feel very vulnerable sharing this story, but I sense that many women need to know that they are not alone and that everything will be OK. Why does God sometimes allow our dreams to be shattered?
No one can be sure, but I do know that God requires that we learn to trust Him above all else. He desires that we learn to love Him as He loves us – unconditionally. He tells us that His thoughts are not our thoughts, neither are His ways like our ways (Is. 55:8). God has an eternal perspective, while we have an earthly perspective. In our minds, time is limited; in God’s eyes time is everlasting.
Why did God allow this to happen to me? Why wouldn’t my body cooperate as it was intended to? Why were my peers permitted to keep their babies safe in their womb while they grew?
Maybe he or she would have had problems here on earth and God wanted to spare our child. Maybe Luke and I were not quite ready to care for a child. Maybe it happened so I could minister to other women who have suffered this type of loss. Maybe there is a reason I have not yet pondered. I honestly have no idea and I am OK with not knowing.
I choose to love God amidst the storms even when I am angry at Him and don’t feel like loving Him. I believe that God loves me even though He allowed this to happen and asks that I love Him through both the good times and the bad times. When we give our lives to Christ, God no longer sees us as sinners, but as one He is in endless covenant to.
His love coverers all of our sins, faults, mistakes, failures, and humanity. He accepts us as we are. All we have to do is commit to making Jesus Lord of our lives. Once we do this, he teaches us how to love Him back. It is often painfully hard as any marriage involving a human-being is, but fortunately we serve a God that looks at us as perfect once we accept Him as our Savior and will never leave us no matter what we do or don’t do.
When we give our lives to Christ, we make a promise similar to wedding vows. We commit to loving Him on the good days and the worst days and He does the same for us. Men and women will continue to divorce each other and God when things get too hard, but God will never divorce us. When our hearts truly belong to God, He will pursue us for the rest of our lives.
He is worthy of our trust even when waves are crashing all around us. He is our creator, our children’s creator, and our grandchildren’s creator and He knows what is necessary and best for our lives and for His ultimate purposes. We can rest now my friends. We can hand our jar of tears over to Jesus. He can be trusted to mend every broken heart and redeem every shattered dream. He is the restorer of all things. All we have to do is be willing to let go and allow Him to be God.
“…Naked I came from my mother’s womb, And naked I shall return there. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord .” –Job 1:21
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