Shattered Dreams: My Miscarriage Story

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A little over 9 months ago I had a miscarriage. Even typing this sentence makes my eyes well up with tears. I think to myself how I should be holding him or her right now. I think about what he or she would have looked like, what name Luke and I would have chosen, how our parents would have adored our baby, how our siblings, nieces, and nephews would have interacted with our child.

I was only about 6 weeks along when it happened, but it was one of the saddest days of my life. It was unexpected. I never knew how common miscarriages were and I certainly never imagined that I would be a victim of one. I took off work and stayed home to mourn the great loss. I cried all day long.

Thankfully, my miscarriage was not physically painful. The most devastating aspect was the fact that my dream was shattered. I had already begun planning a shabby chic nursery on Pinterest, researching the best strollers, and imagining a beautiful baby shower with all of the women in my family and close girlfriends.

Just about a week prior to the miscarriage, Luke and I had told both of our parents, our siblings, and some of our close friends we were expecting. We watched their faces light up with joy at the thought of another child to love. Our child would be an extension of who we are and those who love us really enjoyed the idea.

I daydreamed of watching Luke be a daddy for the first time and him watching me be a mommy for the first time. We were already planning how we would take turns waking up with the baby. We even saw the baby on an ultrasound a week prior; he or she was as tiny as a pea, but we fell in love with that small dot on the screen.

When we lost the baby, it felt like a little piece of my heart went with him or her, but I am OK with that. I don’t want that chip of my heart back; I want to meet my baby in heaven someday and know that he or she has kept it safe all of my life.

When I began to slowly share my experience with others, many women began to admit that they too had experienced a miscarriage. I was shocked at how many. It was as if it was too painful to ever tell anyone unless they too went through the same loss.

I feel very vulnerable sharing this story, but I sense that many women need to know that they are not alone and that everything will be OK. Why does God sometimes allow our dreams to be shattered?

No one can be sure, but I do know that God requires that we learn to trust Him above all else.  He desires that we learn to love Him as He loves us – unconditionally. He tells us that His thoughts are not our thoughts, neither are His ways like our ways (Is. 55:8). God has an eternal perspective, while we have an earthly perspective. In our minds, time is limited; in God’s eyes time is everlasting.

Why did God allow this to happen to me?  Why wouldn’t my body cooperate as it was intended to? Why were my peers permitted to keep their babies safe in their womb while they grew?

Maybe he or she would have had problems here on earth and God wanted to spare our child. Maybe Luke and I were not quite ready to care for a child.  Maybe it happened so I could minister to other women who have suffered this type of loss. Maybe there is a reason I have not yet pondered. I honestly have no idea and I am OK with not knowing.

I choose to love God amidst the storms even when I am angry at Him and don’t feel like loving Him.  I believe that God loves me even though He allowed this to happen and asks that I love Him through both the good times and the bad times.  When we give our lives to Christ, God no longer sees us as sinners, but as one He is in endless covenant to.

His love coverers all of our sins, faults, mistakes, failures, and humanity. He accepts us as we are.  All we have to do is commit to making Jesus Lord of our lives. Once we do this, he teaches us how to love Him back. It is often painfully hard as any marriage involving a human-being is, but fortunately we serve a God that looks at us as perfect once we accept Him as our Savior and will never leave us no matter what we do or don’t do.

When we give our lives to Christ, we make a promise similar to wedding vows.  We commit to loving Him on the good days and the worst days and He does the same for us.  Men and women will continue to divorce each other and God when things get too hard, but God will never divorce us. When our hearts truly belong to God, He will pursue us for the rest of our lives.

He is worthy of our trust even when waves are crashing all around us.  He is our creator, our children’s creator, and our grandchildren’s creator and He knows what is necessary and best for our lives and for His ultimate purposes.  We can rest now my friends.  We can hand our jar of tears over to Jesus.  He can be trusted to mend every broken heart and redeem every shattered dream.  He is the restorer of all things.  All we have to do is be willing to let go and allow Him to be God.

“…Naked I came from my mother’s womb, And naked I shall return there. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord .” –Job 1:21

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7 Comments

  • I’m so sorry to read this, Jory. I don’t think I ever told you but I went through a number of miscarriages. It is never easy, but our Lord is always there, every step of the way, even when pain blinds us for a bit. Your words were very moving, and your sentiment very impactful. Hugs and blessings!

  • Thank you for sharing that. It is a deep loss. I have rarely met a couple who really wanted a family who did not eventually have one. You are right not to ask why, because unless God speaks to you specifically about it, it’s not important, unless of course, there is something medically that can be “fixed”. God spoke to me directly after the grave loss of a child we were adopting (we had already done the fertility route after I had a miscarriage). He said, “As for God His way is perfect. He is a shield to those who put their trust in Him.” (Ps 18:30). I knew and had perfect peace that He was shielding us from adopting the wrong child. He later completed our family with two boys to love. It is a testament to God’s faithfulness, though the journey had pain involved. But hey! There’s also pain in childbirth, just a different kind.

  • Jory, thank-you for sharing that with everyone. A year before my ex-husband and I were blessed with Kiona, I was pregnant. We had thought our son was a blessing and a miracle, because with Skylar I and Skylar were less than hours away from death..because Skylar was very overdue and I wasn’t at a very good hospital to have a baby at. The surgeon who did my emergency c-section was new and very inexperienced. Flash forward to after my second c-section with our son and I was told my healed over very thin. I still do not have feeling where it healed. The doctor told me that it would be very dangerous to get pregnant immediately after having our son. So we decided that since they would not tie my tubes at the time,we would be very careful for me not to get pregnant. Six years later, I didn’t get my period. I started just spotting, but I didn’t suspect pregnancy because my periods are very irregular anyway. I started getting pains and cramps. I went to a clinic and got a test and it came back positive. It was estimated I was almost two months along. My husband was happy, but I was worried, something didn’t feel right. Although I was happy to be receiving such a blessing knowing so many women couldn’t have a child..I kept dreaming of a baby boy with dark curly hair and huge eyelashes..I couldn’t see the baby’s eyes and it filled my stomach with a cold fear. I woke up one morning and I was bleeding badly. We went to the hospital and I got bloodwork. The doctor came back and said there was not enough pregnancy hormone present for being in the first trimester. My level was only about 500 when it should have been in the thousands. I asked if the baby was in my tubes could it keep the level so low, I begged the doctor to maybe wait to see if baby would go down to the womb. The doctor said it would be dangerous. They performed and DNC, there was no fetal tissue found..so I had to go through a painful month of bloodwork to check the hormone levels. The doctor said the levels were going down slowly, it felt like I was slowly killing my baby 🙁 they gave me two shots in my back that they said would “dissolve” anything remaining in the tubes. It was painful physically and mentally..even though my thoughts were irrational , I felt like I was giving these people permission to kill my baby! I didn’t want to face the fact that the baby wouldn’t grow any further and that I had lost a baby. It is indeed a very heart shattering experience, I should not have reacted as I did in my mind, because I knew miscarriage happens to even the healthiest of women ..my mom had one and my sister had a tubal pregnancy as well it’s in my family history. Sorry this comnent is so long. It’s the same for women who have had abortions , it leaves deep scars that indeed only God can heal.

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