Jory Micah

Anyone who was raised in church or attended vacation Bible school as a child would recognize the song “Jesus loves me, this I know…”  In case you forget the lyrics or never heard the song, the first part of the song goes like this:

“Jesus loves me! this I know,
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong;
they are weak but He is strong.

Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.”

Before you keep reading go to this link to hear Whitney Houston sing the song; don’t forget not to judge her for singing this song because of all her public mistakes; instead, think of her singing about how much Jesus loves her despite her short-comings! The Link is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzcaMnu4oEY&feature=related.

Yes, very simple lyrics but very powerful and life changing!  Last year was one of the most difficult times of my life.  Though I have many memories that I am very fond of in the year of 2009 (Like marrying the love of my life!), I struggled very much mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually!  As I have stated in a previous post; I have contended with chronic headaches/migraines for over 10 years and they really took a down turn in 2008-2009.  I was in pretty bad physical pain almost everyday.  I could barely work or function normally.  After I was married, my husband would come home daily from work to find me laying on the couch with an icepack on my head.  If you have ever struggled with chronic (ongoing) physical pain you can understand how this begins to affect you mentally.  I began to get very depressed and anxious over life and my condition.  I felt I was missing out on life due to my pain and it was not fair.  In turn, these negative thoughts turned into negative emotion: severe anxiety, emotional and mental breakdowns, severe mood swings, ect…  I got to a place where I could no longer handle the pressure of graduate school so I dropped out for a while (which only added to the insecurity I was feeling).  My then fiance, Luke, found a job in my hometown so that I could be near my family who I desperately needed for support and healing.  So, in 2008 Luke and I moved to my hometown to get married near my family and to somehow find a way out of the terrible emotional, physical, and mental pain I was facing on a daily basis.  Of course, these types of struggles will always cause one to struggle spiritually!  I found myself crying out to God in anger and asking him “why me, this is so unfair! Are you not my heavenly father who loves me; I don’t understand, a good father would not let me walk through this pain!”  Throughout this time Luke and I started attending a church that my family had been involved with in the past.  Luke really enjoyed it.  I was pretty apathetic about church because of all the pain I was going through, and I didn’t really think of church as a place of healing anymore.  I just didn’t care, so I went to this church with my husband each week.  The pastors of the church are very prophetic (which means that they hear the voice of God and are able to predict hope for the future- a prophet is NOT a fortune teller- fortune tellers are a demonic and counterfeit version of a prophet.  A prophet gets their words from God; a fortune-teller gets their words from Satan and since Satan is a liar according to the Bible, fortune tellers are liars too – even if they can tell you some truth about your life, what they say will always be twisted and their words lead to destruction!)  Anyways, it turned out that one day God gave pastor Wendy a prophetic word to share with the church that really touched my weary soul!  She said something like this, “There are some people in this congregation that are very discouraged in their faith because of the circumstances going on in their lives, but God has something to tell you and he will put a song in your heart sometime soon.”  I cried because I knew that God was speaking to me through Pastor Wendy.  I had forgotten all about Pastor Wendy’s words until maybe two days later.   I was taking a bath (one of my favorite quiet places to talk to God).  Suddenly I felt the Holy Spirit in my heart compelling me to sing out loud the song from my childhood, “Jesus Loves me, this I know.  For the Bible Tells me so.  Little ones do Him belong.  They are week but He is Strong.”  I stopped there and tears began to roll down my cheeks.  It was tough for me to sing the chorus “Yes, Jesus loves me, yes Jesus loves me, yes Jesus loves me, the Bible tells me so.”  I had to start the song over and over because I felt like God wanted me to keep singing it until I believed it.  Due to all the pain over the last year (and the migraine I had in the current moment), I was almost convinced  in my heart that Jesus didn’t love me.  Though I would have never said that out loud to anyone or even was fully mentally aware of it;  this is was what I was feeling.  My heart was definitely deceiving me that Jesus did not love me enough to heal my broken body and soul.  When I was finally able to pull it together and sing the song completely through; I felt a real breakthrough! I knew that Jesus loved me and my healing was on the way.  I slowly started to get better mentally, then my emotions were more under control, then my headaches started getting better and my relationship with Jesus slowly became better.  I still battle all these things but I know I am healed by the blood of Jesus Christ that he shed on the cross for me (and for you).  Healing is sometimes instantaneous but most of the time it is a process and we have to walk in faith and go easy on ourselves.  Sometimes it takes medication, surgery, therapy,  the support of family & friends, and other earthly advantages offered to us, but one thing is for sure; it always takes Jesus to walk through the painful process of healing.  I am still walking through it and getting stronger each day.  I am back in Virginia at graduate school and going strong!  My emotions have settled tremendously and my mind is pretty much back to normal for any human being!   More than anything though, I have grown closer to my Savior.  Since Jesus suffered an excruciating amount of pain (physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual) during the crucifixion (when he died on the cross for our sins); it is impossible for His followers to truly know him in a deep and intimate way if we never go through very painful experiences.  This is why God allows tremendous pain in our lives at times; so that we can draw closer to Him and become more like His son, Jesus.  However, God’s Word says that He will never allow us  to take on more than we are individually equipped to handle and sooner or later He always provides a way out (1 Corinthians 10:13).  Pain is powerful! It causes change in our hearts and we can either allow it to make us bitter or better! I thank God for the pain I have suffered and still go through at times because it draws me closer to Jesus and makes me more like Him!

Amazing Bible Scriptures spoken by the historical Apostle Paul:

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,  “For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. -Romans 8:35-39

 If you need extra encouragement in this area I would listen to Whitney sing “Jesus loves me” over and over.  I would reflect upon her life and her struggle with marital abuse and drugs, yet she still is able to sing “Jesus loves me.”  Many people may argue that Whitney is a hypocrite, but I believe every Christian is somewhat of a hypocrite because we are striving to live holy lives pleasing to God but because of our “sinful nature,”  we fall short everyday!  It is by the power and love of Christ that we can even begin to fight against what are sinful nature desires, and even with Christ we still must daily decide to live like a Christian.  Some days will be better than others.  Thank God for His mercy and grace or we would never be able to walk in the pure and holy character of Christ!

Do you remember the old “Salt-N-Pepa” song, “Let’s Talk about Sex Baby?” Oh, of course you do; everyone does!  I remember getting the “Salt-N- Pepa” cd in 4th grade for my birthday.  Though my folks were not too happy, I was thrilled! I loved dancing to the “sex song” and my personal favorite was, “I wanna Shoop baby…” I think I can still rap most of the lyrics!  However, when I really think about receiving this CD in 4th grade, I realize that the idea of sex invaded my world at the age of 9.  Even though I was not really enjoying the music based off the words and did not fully understand what I was listening too, I am certain that these songs were teaching me a little something about sex, perhaps even planting a seed for my future.  Now, before I go on any further I must first say that this blog has absolutely nothing to do with what music you choose to listen to (this is not my interest right now).  I simply bring this up because I want to talk about sex!  I was born and raised in a Christian family that strongly believed in waiting to have sex until you were married.  When I gave my life to Jesus as a 13-year-old girl, I too adopted this view.  The only problem was that my hormones were just at a point where they were beginning to rage and I was starting to get more and more interested in boys (normal right?).  I got my first boyfriend around this age.  He was kind of a class clown and always made me laugh! He was also within walking distance of my house so we would hang out just about everyday.  As we grew closer and closer during our 2 year on-and-off again relationship, things started to get more physical than I wanted them to  in my heart.  Yes, I will not deny that my flesh enjoyed the little taste of sexual pleasure, but my Spirit waged against my flesh (telling me that anything beyond kissing was too far)  which caused a lot of stress and turmoil in my heart.  I must have tried hundred different times in a hundred different ways to get my flesh to line up with my spirit, but I just always seemed to fail.  After 2 years of this great struggle my first boyfriend and I broke up, though we remained good friends.  Since he was my first “puppy love” it took a long time for my emotions to heal over this loss.  However, I soon began to hang out with another guy from another school that was very charming (Hot!), popular, amazing at sports, and even a Christian from a great Christian family.  I thought, “perfect!”  I felt very proud to be this boy’s girlfriend at age 16 to 18ish.  I wore all his jerseys and t-shirts to every baseball and football game cheering on my man, knowing that girls were jealous of me because I was with him.  In case you have never been a teenage girl; this is a dream come true!  I tried very hard to maintain sexual purity with this boy at first.  But, it was not long before my fleshly nature began to rise back up and tempt me to get too physical (which I believed and still believe is anything past kissing).  He too struggled with the same thing (he was a teenage boy, ya know).  Though we both felt very guilty about the sexual sin in our relationship it became habitual.  Over the two years of us breaking up and getting back together we struggled tremendously to be pure but it just never seemed to work.  Because of the all the turmoil going on within each of us (our spirits fighting with our flesh) we began to fight all  the time leading to a very unhealthy relationship.  We needed to break up but we were so very attached it seemed next to impossible.  We would take breaks and come crawling back to one another.  We were in bondage to sexual sin and way too attached to one another; we needed a miracle! I remember the Lord speaking to my heart that I needed to let this relationship go the summer after my senior year.  I remember coming across a Bible verse that confirmed that the Lord really was speaking to me.  It stated “Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts. Instead, pursue righteous living, faithfulness, love, and peace. Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts.” – 2 Timothy 2:22 NLT.  This verse radically changed my life and gave me the strength to make a very hard decision.  I decided that if I truly wanted to obey God and end things with this boy, I had to run far away for a while.  Now, I know many of my readers will know exactly what boy I am talking about so I want to clarify that he was a great teenager and I believe he has grown to be an amazing man of God so it was not him or I that was the problem; but the sin we had allowed to creep into our relationship.  I was not running from any type of bad influence he had on me but rather from the sin in my life!  I knew that I was called to be an evangelist/minister and that my next step after high school was Bible school.  With this in mind I decided I would run to Dallas, Texas from Washington, PA to detach myself from this relationship and grow in knowledge of God and gain a deeper relationship with Christ.  The crazy thing is that it took the first two years of Bible school to heal and let go of this guy who resided all the way back east.  What is even more amazing is that He went on to a Christian University and met his wife which forced us to let go of each other (you know talking on the phone and seeing each other at every break).  It was a very painful process that I would not wish upon anyone but I knew that this girl (who would later become his wife) was not only a blessing to him, but also a blessing to me.  I say this  because it was their relationship  that forced us to finally cut all ties.  Though I was somewhat discouraged that he found his wife before I found my husband, I could not be more thankful that it worked out that way.  I was able to accomplish so much being a single young women and strived for true purity in my twenties!  After that messy break-up, I made a decision that I would not be anyones “girlfriend” again until I thought it was the man I was going to marry.  And guess what, through the power of the Holy Spirit, I stuck to that decision! Though there were several guys along the way I liked, I did not get serious with anyone for the next 5 years until I met my husband, Luke.  During that time of “no boyfriends” I will admit that I struggled a little bit with purity, but for the most part I did not let anyone close enough to get too physical; the last thing I wanted to do was get back on that emotional and crazy rollercoaster ride!  I don’t have a problem with dating and enjoying guys while you are single.  What I do have a problem with is getting too serious too soon.  After going through all that hardship and heartbreak, I learned my lesson.  Seriously, what is the point of having a serious relationship as a teenager when the chances of you actually marrying that guy or girl are very slim?  I know there are some exceptions to this, like people who marry their high school sweetheart, but this is not the norm.  Even if you do end up marrying the guy you dated in high school, I am certain that things would have been a lot easier and pleasing to God if you avoided getting too serious with him or her until you were at an age you both were ready to get married!  So, why am I sharing all this personal information with the world?  For these reasons: God desires us not to just wait to have intercourse until we are married but also to fight (and fight hard) to protect our purity and innocence.  He wants us to be able to give a precious gift to our future spouse- purity!  If you have already messed up, it is never to late to ask God to cleanse you and purify you again and then fight hard for your purity.  I am so thankful that Luke and I were both virgins when we got married, even though we both struggled with purity in our past.  I am certain though that God forgave us and purified our bodies and hearts for one another.  We gave each other a very unique gift, all of ourselves, and it is never too late to reclaim your purity through the power of Jesus Christ!  I know girls that have engaged in sexual intercourse or ”fooling around” with their fiance’s and chose to stop until they married that person.  This takes guts but more than that it takes Jesus! It takes walking close to Him and having a strong conviction to avoid guys  or situations that tempt you to be sexually impure.  This is a radical conviction and it is not for the weak hearted.  It is going against everything “our world” tells us about sex.  You know the cliché statements, “safe sex is OK” or “Just make sure you are in love.”  These statements are BIG FAT LIES from the enemy of our souls (Satan) because there is no such thing as “safe sex!”  Meaning, someone always gets hurt emotionally when the commitment of marriage is not present (not to mention the risk of unwanted pregnancy and sexual diseases)!  Further, the statement “Just make sure you are in love” is also ridiculous because there are many times in our lives when we “think” we are in love but in actuality we are in “lust or infatuation” and we give ourselves over to these feelings which end in regret if they are not part of a marriage commitment!   The Bible says to save all your purity for marriage!  This is a boundary that God gives us because he wants only the best for His children.  How amazing will it be when you find the man you have waited your whole life for, and you have all of yourself (your heart and body) to give; what a gift!  It is never to late to start fighting for purity, even if you have “gone all the way!”  That is the amazing thing about living for Jesus; he cleanses us and takes away our sin when we ask Him to!  By the way, “Salt” from the “Salt-N-Pepa” is now an amazing Christian woman who reclaimed her purity and now lives for Christ.  Check it out for yourself at this link. (http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2008/marchweb-only/110-24.0.html).

I have much, much more to say on this topic but I will end with this: there is nothing more amazing than being able to give the man or woman you decide to spend the rest of your life with a forgiven, cleansed, holy, and pure body.  It is a difficult fight, but one worth fighting for!

Some Bible Scriptures about purity: 1 Corinthians 6:13,1 Thessalonians 4:3-8 , Proverbs 28:13 and many more you could google yourself!

My friend Lindsay asked me a very good question last night; one that I have struggled with for years.  She asked me (and I am paraphrasing), “How do I let God have control of my life yet make daily decisions on my own?”  I think that she was telling me, I want to give God full control over my life, but when I don’t hear him telling me exactly what to do I don’t know what to do.”  What a complex thought; running in freedom, yet giving over all control! The two seem to contradict, but when you think of God as your father (our heavenly father) the concept really does make sense!  Now, what I am about to say may be hard to swallow if you grew up with a disengaged or abusive father.  Please continue to read though because God (our heavenly father) delights in adopting children who grew up with out good fathers.  I was very fortunate to have a good father (I do realize the value of this in this day in age, and appreciate it more than most things in life).  Those of you who knew me as a child would agree that I was a curious, adventurist little girl always ready to take great risks and explorations.  Of course, I got cuts and bruises quite often but never any serious injuries.  I believe this is because my earthy father always kept one eye on me and when he could not he would pray that my heavenly father would protect me.  I would climb the highest of trees, jump off the highest dive board I could find, get swings to go as high as possible and jump off, create somewhat dangerous games on the playground, and take any dare or risk that was presented to me.  One specific example that I would like to talk about with my dad is when we use to go up to the mountains for a trip every fall.  We would take walks along the river and climb rocks to get down and back up from the river.  When I was little I was extremely bored with the walks but loved to climb up and down those rocky hills.  My little eyes would always wonder to the most risky rocks; the ones that only adults should try to wrestle (if they had to).  My dad allowed me to have freedom to climb over rocks that were appropriate for little girls, but he kept a close eye because he knew my tendency to find the risky ones.  Sometimes, he would allow me to tackle these challenging rocks if I held his hand; other times he would not let me near them.  As a little girl, I ran with freedom with absolutely no fears.  I believe this was because I knew deep down inside that my father would always protect me from anything that was not good for me.  This is exactly the way God wants us to be as adults.  He wants us to embrace and run with freedom, pursue our dreams, take risks and all the while trust that He is watching your every move.  When we become adults we start to lose that “child-like” trust but this is exactly the type of trust that God desires from us.  He wants us to trust him so much that we will give every dream, every desire, and every fear to him knowing that if we trust him with every decision we make he will protect us from things or people who are not in our best interest.  He will steer you clear from dangerous rocks that you have no business climbing because he knows you will get hurt (a dangerous rock could be a bad romantic relationship, a job you think you want but you would end up hating, ect..).  Though I would be disappointed when my dad would not let me climb those types of rocks (and I may have even thrown some fits) I knew deep down inside that I was wise to obey.  Now, there will be times where we will want to take some risks and God may continue to allow these risky doors to open, but he will want to hold your hand through it and stay close to you, directing your steps so that you do not get any more hurt than maybe a few cuts and bruises.  Those are the times we as humans want to shrug our hand away and say “I can do it myself,” as I have told my dad many times.  The truth is though that our heavenly father knows when we need His help and we need to keep a humble attitude and allow him to tackle these challenges with us.  Now, there are many things in life that are not risky at all (like playing games with your children, taking walks, enjoying whatever- you know day-to-day decisions).  This is when God the Father allows us to run free; it is as if life is our playground and He sits on the bench and just enjoys watching us play.  I say all this to say that we can trust God with our lives.  He desires us to run in freedom but all the while allowing him to open the right doors for us and close the wrong doors for us, and as we grow up in Him we will stop throwing temper tantrums when things don’t go how we think they should go.  God the Father creates boundaries for His Children which can all be found in the Bible.  For instance, God tells Christians not marry someone who is not a Christian but he does not give any further stipulations.  Therefore, if you meet a guy or girl you like, you are free to get to know them and enjoy them but always allow God to shut the door to this relationship if He desires because God sees the future, and we don’t, and if He does shut the door, you can trust that that guy or girl was not the best one for you.  All we have to do is daily give our lives to God by just telling him you desire him to direct your life.  Give every situation to God, study the Bible to understand His boundaries and then run with full freedom in all your decisions knowing that God is watching you because you asked him to, He is protecting you because you invited Him to, He is directing every step you make because you have entrusted those steps to Him.  There is no need to worry once you give your decisions to Him, because He is a GOOD father who wants only the best for His children!

Bible Scriptures you can google or look up about God being our father: Romans 8:15, Galatians 4:6, 1 John 3:1,  2 Corinthians 6:18, Ephesians 5:19-20.

As a lot of my readers know, my husband and I just moved back to Virginia Beach.  We were comfortable in my hometown attending a familiar church where we had good friends our age.  Now, it is back to square one; looking for a church where we belong.  As I search the internet, googling my interests in churches, the biblical phrase popped into my mind, “seek and you shall find.”  Those are God’s words taken straight out of the Scriptures and they apply not only to looking for a church but to every area of life.  Now, seeking something out takes faith.  In other words, we would not bother looking for something if we thought it did not exist.  If you are one who has a hard time believing that God exists, He promises that you will find Him if you look for Him.  If you really want to find a husband or wife, you will find one if you continue to look for one.  If you want a church where you belong and feel at home in, you will find one if you continue to look for one.  Many times Christians get into a rut when they start saying things like, “If God wants me to get married he will send me the right person or if God wants me to have friends he will send them my way or if God wants me to work this job he will just send someone to give me a job.”  While this is sometimes true, it is the exception and not the rule.  If it were the rule we would never have  to walk by faith.  Before I met my husband I was certain that every step I had taken in my life was “God’s Will” and that when I met my husband I would just know it was “God’s Will.”  Guess what? I did not know.  I would stress myself out to the point of exhaustion trying to discover if Luke was the perfect guy for me.  I would pray endlessly for signs from heaven to come falling down and hit me over the head.  I would constantly question myself, “Am I doing the right thing?”  I was so distraught and distracted with looking for “signs” that I could not see what God was really doing.  God was teaching me to be a grown up Christian.  He was teaching me to walk by faith and trust Him with every step I take without having any signs.  It was almost as if God wrapped a blindfold around my head and said “walk, trust that I will not let you run into a wall.”  This was my greatest fear: making the wrong decision.  I am sure that this is many people’s greatest fear when it comes to choosing their mate.  When Luke asked me to marry him, of course I said yes; I was so in love! However, I still did not have this “I just knew” feeling that people always seem to say.  The truth is that not a single one of us “just know” anything that is not written in the absolute truth of God’s Word and since there is not a list of who each of us will marry in the Bible, no one knows for sure (they believe they know which is faith).  Anyways, when I got home that night I took off my engagement ring and layed it before the Lord.  My second worst fear was that God would not let me marry this man I was so madly in love with.  I knew I had to surrender the very thing I wanted most in the world (Luke) to God.  When I became a Christian, I committed to giving everything to God (every fear, every want, every burden, etc.).  I knew I had to be willing to let go of Luke if God had other plans for me.  I layed my ring down on my computer just as Abraham (in the Bible) layed down his son on the altar (the thing he loved the most) and was willing to give his son up if God said it was best.  Abraham trusted God so much that when God commanded him to sacrifice (kill) his son on the altar he knew that God would somehow work the situation out.  If you don’t know the rest of the story; right before Abraham was about to slaughter his son, God sent an Angel down to tell Abraham to STOP and provided an animal for him to sacrifice instead.  Though it seems cruel to our human minds, God was testing Abraham’s faith.  If Abraham trusted God with the person he loved the most, then Abraham could be trusted with anything.  Abraham walked blindly but by faith, and God directed each step.  The greatest example of trusting God is Jesus Christ (God’s son) coming to earth and being slaughtered on the cross for our sins.  God asked Jesus to go to the cross and Jesus trusted that God had His best interest in mind.  Though Jesus was so overwhelmed by God’s command that He sweat blood the night he was waiting for the Roman guards to come arrest him; he trusted that God would raise Him from the dead in three days just as God had promised.  While I do not in anyway measure myself to Abraham or Jesus’ tremendous acts of faith; I do believe my anguish over Luke was my flesh and Spirit struggling.  I knew I had to be willing to give up Luke if God led my steps a different way.  This is why I took my engagement ring off and layed it before the Lord.  With tears dripping down my cheeks, I told God that even though I wanted more than anything to marry this man, I would sacrifice this relationship if God had another plan.  God did not show me any signs that night but a peace came over me that I had not had.  It was a knowing that when I put that ring back on my finger; I could trust God with whatever happen.  I could walk by faith knowing that no matter what happens He is directing every step because I gave Him everything!  As you know, Luke and I did get married and I am so grateful that we did.  I am certain that I made the right decision because I genuinely gave our relationship to God to do what He wanted with it.  I did not have the certainly that Luke was the man I was supposed to marry until the day he and I both said “I do.”  This is the first time in my life that God required a more mature type of trust.  I use to seek signs and feelings in order to make decisions but that is for new believers who are just beginning their faith journey.  God matures our faith by taking away all signs and certain feelings, wrapping a blindfold around our eyes and saying, “walk by faith and not by sight!”

For we walk by faith, not by sight. -2 Corinthians 5:7

Have you ever behaved so badly that you yourself are shocked and surprised with what you did?  After the deed is done you are so ashamed; you would do anything to hide it.  Let me expound on this because the last message I am trying to bring here is “everybody sins…bluh bluh bluh!”  I am not talking about general sin of humanity but rather personal and individual weaknesses and “screw-ups” that you and I find ourselves struggling with daily.  On top of this, you and I are too embarrassed to discuss what is really going on inside of us.  It would be like allowing Martha Stewart to come and watch me clean out my vacuum (that I never clean).  I would be embarrassed at all the junk that would come out.  It is when we are pressured that the worst of what is inside of us rises to the surface and frankly it is scary to us and to whoever has to witness it (usually the person you feel the most comfortable with).  The truth of the matter is that we allow dirt to accumulate within our souls for years.  We allow our inner being to become polluted with anger, aggression, lust, love of money, materialism, un-forgiveness, and many more damaging sins to the soul.  Then, when we become too self-righteous or maybe we just thought we let go of those “sins” God squeezes us a little or in some cases a lot (through hard life circumstances) and all the sudden, bam, all this junk comes popping out!  I have always been a strong (I mean strong) willed person who always has to learn the hard way.  I like to make big messes before I will clean them up (usually relying on God to help me fix the damage that had been done).  Not only do I aggressively fight for things to go my way, I am very stubborn when they don’t and I just won’t let it go.  I become angry at the disappointing circumstance, the people involved and most of all, myself! I believe forgiving yourself is the hardest part of all or to put it in other words; allowing God’s forgiveness to replace your anger.  This is definitely pride! We hold on to these things even to the point of utter dismay because if we forgive ourselves or allow God’s forgiveness to take place we have to admit that what we did really happened and somehow deal with it! Sometimes we convince ourselves it is easier just to pretend to be “over it,” shove it back down inside and move on.  The problem with this is that when life circumstances start to squeeze and pressure again that “sin” comes rising back up along with all the other ones you have shoved down there and over time this “build up” becomes messier and messier making it more and more difficult to clean up.  I can’t help but think of Adam and Eve; you know the first humans that were created by God.  The two sinned by disobeying God (the first sin- called the fall of humanity).  When God came looking for them, they hid.  They also clothed themselves from their nakedness that they previously had no shame in.  As you can see, people have not changed much from thousands upon thousands of years ago.  We still run from God and try to hide our sin.  Here is the truth; there is no “screw-up” so huge that God has not seen before; He is not shocked by your behavior and through Christ dying on the cross you can be forgiven if you just ask.  This sounds wonderful and easy but it is not.  It means almost daily laying down the pride in your heart and admitting that you (apart from God) are a failure.  It means admitting that we cannot live a good life without God’s help.  It means that no matter how hard we try to be a “good person” or a “good Christian” we will royally screw it up! It means letting go of that “sin” and allowing God’s forgiveness to wash over you.  Once you do this you can find the strength to forgive yourself.  Once you have forgiven yourself you have a little more strength to forgive the person(s) who squeezed you or put you under pressure in the first place (you know, the one who drives you the most nuts because you care about them the most).  Once you have allowed God to forgive you, forgiven yourself, and forgiven others you do not have to shove that weakness of yours back down inside; you can let it go.  Hmmm, “You can let it go.”  After forgiving yourself, this is the second hardest part.  It takes work to let some things go (depending on the damage that has been done).  “Letting something go” does not come instantly but it means dedicating yourself to the process.  For instance, if it is alcoholism you are struggling with, “letting it go” may require help from AA meetings or things of that nature.  If it is different types of emotional or mental disturbances it may mean visiting a counselor or doctor.  If it is anger it may mean taking an anger management class.  Well, I think you get the point; “letting it go” is a difficult process that takes a lot of work.  Though we are spiritual and we are not controlled by whatever those things are we struggle with through Christ; we are also human and we have to take human steps to gain control (with God’s help of course).  I have heard a quote I like that says “Don’t be so heavenly minded that you are no earthly good!” Basically, don’t be so “spiritual” that you think that God is going to let you out of the “working process” and instantly make your junk go away.  Do whatever you have to do to get rid of the un-forgiveness, shame, anger, lust, ect…deep down inside!  If we do not walk out “the process” with God and “let go” we will continue to struggle with the same things time and time again and every time will create  more damage than the last!  Trust me, I am preaching to myself too! This is very very hard to do; it means allowing pain deep down to surface and that hurts like heck!  Remember though that God is right beside you, holding your hand every step of the way.  His Word promises that He will never leave you nor forsake you (no matter what you have done or not done)! He is ready to walk this process out with you and me!

…For God has said, “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.” -Hebrews 13:5

The other day my husband and I were watching this show on a 250 pound man who was attacked by 3 or 4 elephants.  He was literally tossed in the air with the elephants trunks, brought up to one of the elephants mouths to be bitten in a way that his large body was pretty much broken in half and then spit out.  He layed on the ground with almost every bone in his body broken and guts literally hanging out of his stomach.  Obviously, he could not move and he was in extraordinary physical  pain that most people could not even begin to relate to.  The good news is that he was found in the jungle and rushed to several hospitals which preserved his life.  Though I have never encountered live elephants (maybe at the zoo), I somewhat relate to this man’s experience of being  beat up, eaten alive, spit out and on the ground unable to move on my own.  When life forces us to experience pain and struggle, I think it is impossible for people not to ask themselves, “Where is God?” There are so many compassionate people out there that have chosen not to believe in God or not to like God if they do believe in Him because they see all the pain and struggle throughout the world and in their own life. They the determine that they do not want to serve a God who allows all this suffering, even if He does exist.  A great current example of this is the earthquake in Haiti.  Many people around the world cannot imagine a good God allowing all these people to die and suffer.  While this way of thinking may show that one has a compassionate heart it also shows that they have a prideful heart.  They have determined that they know and care more about pain and suffering than God does!  They have decided that if there is a God, He can’t be good because he allows ”bad things to happen to good people,” as it has been said so often!  Again, this is pride in the human heart to decide that individules care more for humanity than the very creator of humanity.  It is pride to believe you have a greater understanding of how much pain and suffering should be allowed than God does.  Suffering  is a word that we all know because we have all faced it in different degrees.  I have found myself angry with God for what I determined to be too much suffering! I think some of my exact words have been “Why can’t I just be like everyone else, this is not fair!”  Then I find myself face to face with my creator and I realize that my heart is full of pride and who am I to determine how much and to whom God allows to suffer.  I am not saying that God always brings on suffering but I am saying that life brings on suffering and God allows it.  Everything that happens in our universe ,whether it is a natural disaster or an individual going through extraordinary pain; God allows it to happen.  Some cannot ever get past the pride in their hearts to accept that GOD IS GOOD and loving in everything He allows to happen in this life.  It is not an easy thing to trust God as a good God when you are always suffering in some way or constantly seeing others suffering, but it is a process that one must walk through if they want to truly know who God is.  I have struggled with chronic headache and migraines most of my life.  While my friends and family are having fun and enjoying feeling well, I often watch and wish I felt well too.  I sometimes feel limited in what I am able to handle because the anxiety and pain these headaches bring which makes me feel like I am missing out sometimes.  The thing that is difficult about any type of chronic conditions is keeping hope that it will one day get better or go away.  It is not like getting the flu.  When we get the flu, we know with proper rest and sometimes medication the flu will go away in a week or so.  However, with any type of daily or almost daily pain (emotional or physical) it is tough to “soldier on!”  These headaches have been the “thorn in my flesh” that the Apostle Paul speaks of in the Bible.  Paul talks about something painful in his life (he does not say what) that he had continuously begged God to take away and God would not.  Paul came to terms with whatever this “thorn in his flesh” was and determined not to lose faith in God! His response to his pain was accepting that God is strong when he is weak.  Several years ago I had a day vision of me lying in a hospital bed very sick.  On one side of me was Satan offering strong drugs to try to kill the pain.  On the other side of me was Jesus.  He was holding my hand and had tears rolling down his cheeks.  When snapping out of this day vision I instantly knew what the Lord was trying to tell me.  He was trying to tell me that “pain killers” do not cure sickness.  At that time in my life I was taking a lot of prescription drugs to try to keep my headaches under control.  While I have no problem with modern-day medication, the “pain killers” were actually making my headaches worse.  They were causing my body to become dependent on them so that my body would actually create more headaches so that I would feed it more pain medication.  You can imagine the bad cycle I had got myself into (this is known as rebound headaches and anyone who struggles with headaches should not take pain medication more than 2-3 times a week or you could get into this miserable cycle)!  Then there was Jesus on my other side unwilling to feed the “bad cycle” with more pain killers but more than willing to feel my pain, cry with me and stand beside me as I walked though the process of healing (which can take a while)!  This day vision was revolutionary for me.  It showed me that God’s heart breaks when his children or creation have to struggle but He knows it is a necessary part of life.  We as humans learn our biggest lessons though mistakes we make that often cause painful consequences.  Even through natural disasters, people are forced to come up with better solutions, greater technology and more advanced safety precautions to avoid a future disaster.  I say all this to say one thing: not believing in a good God because of pain and suffering is not you having a compassionate heart as much as the pride in your heart persuading you that you are smarter and more compassionate than the Creator Himself.  Think about it!  I continue to learn to embrace my struggles in life as chances for me to grow in good character and and trust in my God.  When I feel so beaten up that I cannot lift myself up,  I can expect God to be strong when I am weak and Him to come to my rescue.  This does not mean He will come to your rescue and take away pain when and how you want Him too, but it does mean that He can be trusted to “save” you in His perfect timing.  It would be a lie to say that I never get frustrated with God in this area anymore but I am learning to be patient with myself and with God as I walk out the journey of suffering with Jesus holding my hand and feeling my pain every step of the way! 

Having a hard time understanding suffering and God and how it all relates?  Read the book of Job in the Bible.  Job faced a tremendous amount of pain and in the end said, “blessed be the name of the Lord!”

If you are one who ponders on deep things, I am sure that you have asked yourself the question, “God, who is He anyway?”  This is a difficult subject (known as theology in my world) that the human soul must come to terms with.  This is not just a question relatable to Christianity but to all religions.  Since all major religions claim to worship God, the question remains; which religion has a greater understanding of who God is.  Of course, each religion throughout the world would claim that their religion has the greatest understanding, so who is correct?  This question has led the majority of Americans and perhaps a lot of the world into what is known as post-modernism.  Post-modernism, in short is the belief that everyone is entitled to their own truth.  In other words, everyone is right and there are many ways of thinking about God and all religions are true because the individuals that subscribe to those religions believe it to be true in their hearts.  While post-modernism is popular because it allows people deal with the uncertainty in their hearts and the compassion they have for those who may not be correct in their beliefs and the consequences they could face for that (like hell perhaps); post-modernism does not make logical sense.  I say this because it is impossible for everyone to be right.  Anyone who takes the time to really consider “truth” will realize that there cannot be many truths.  For instance, either two plus two equals four or it does not.  To use a less objective example, either Jesus is who He said He was or He is not!  So, here we are face to face with the historical account of Jesus’ life found in the Bible and other historical records and we have to ask ourselves one thing: was Jesus right or are other religions throughout history right?  Why can’t they both be right? Simple;  because Jesus, while walking the earth, said that “He is the ONLY way to God.”  So, if Jesus is the ONLY way to God then any religion that does not believe this, is wrong in Jesus’ view.  There are many views about this.  First, that Jesus never existed on this earth.  I believe this argument to be void because He is one of the most historically known individuals throughout the world.  It would be irrational to believe he never walked among humans.  Most intelligent people would never subscribe to this argument but they may say Jesus was not the Son of God who had the ability to save mankind from its sins; He was simply a good man who did many good things while he walked the earth (maybe even a prophet as some religions believe).  While this is a fair argument, it does not make sense.  It doesn’t make sense to say that Jesus was a good man who did good things and call him a liar at the same time.  If you subscribe to this view you may be thinking, “I never called Jesus a liar.”  However, if you don’t believe Jesus is the ONLY way to God then you are calling Jesus a liar because Jesus flat out made this statement.  Therefore, the “Jesus was a good guy but not the son of God” theory is also illogical.  The only thing left to do is decide Jesus was a good man but an absolute lunatic who falsely believed He was God’s son or believe that Jesus was who he said he was.  To call Jesus a lunatic (remember, he is the historic figure that we have centered our dating system around for hundreds of years) is ridiculous.  Therefore, Jesus must be who He said He was; the Son of God who came to earth to die for the sins of mankind.  Since Christianity is the only religion that recognizes Jesus as their Savior, the perfect Son of God who took the punishment humanity deserves, it has to be the correct religion that holds deeper truths about who God is throughout history and still today.  To say there is no faith involved in this conclusion would be an injustice to Christianity.  While there are many historical facts and logic explanations that explain why Christianity is the correct religion, it would be a deception to say that Christianity can be 100% proven by facts.  Rather, our search for which religion is true will always lead us back to Christ (even through logic) but every person seeking to understand whether a belief is true or not will come to a place where facts will run out and you will have to make a decsion based off faith.  This is the same with any type of scientific theory.  Though there may be many facts to believe in certain scientific theories, it will take faith to genuinely believe that those facts and/or opinions are true.  Christianity, however; is far greater than any type of logical explanation or factual evidences; it goes beyond the mind’s need to understand and reaches deeper into the heart’s need to understand.  Once we have settled in our mind that Christianity is truth, we are now ready to allow Jesus to penetrate our hearts.  Once this happens we begin the search of who God truly is within Christian thought.  Now, it starts to get confusing but interesting and profound.  God is made up of three persons: the Father, the Son (Jesus), and the Holy Spirit.  They are equal in that they all make up what is known as the Godhead or the Trinity.  They are all one in the same in their Divinity.  The Father is 100% God, the son is 100% God, and the Holy Spirit is 100% God.  God is 100% complete in these three components; they cannot exist as God apart from one another.  Yes, this is a mystery! It is impossible to completely understand this concept but we can seek to understand it with human analogies.  Past theologians have used the example of fire to describe the Trinity.  Fire is made up of fuel, oxygen and heat.  The three elements make fire but play different roles in fire.  If one element were not there, fire would be non-existent.  This is the same as the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.  The three together are God and the absence of one would mean that God does not exist.  Yes, I am aware that this is a confusing topic which is difficult or impossible to fully wrap our brains around but this is the truth of God’s Word (Bible).

By the way, Christianity is the ONLY religion where God in the flesh (Jesus) comes to earth to die for humanity in order to save their souls from eternal punishment.  In all other religions, the individual is expected to die for their God in hopes of saving their own soul…..interesting, huh?

I have always found it interesting that a primary reason people do not want to give their lives to Christ is because they don’t want to give up the things that they perceive as sinful that they enjoy doing.  I use the word perceive with great intention because what one believes to be sinful, another does not and at times what is thought of as “sinful” in American culture is not even sin according to God’s Word (Bible).  This is a very tricky thing that the enemy (Satan) tells humans.  It is a very sneaky and sly way to discourage people who are thinking seriously about believing in Christ to turn away.  There is an old hymn that always catches my attention and brings tears to my eyes.  Perhaps some of you have heard it but the lyrics go like this:

O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s a light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

Through death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there;
Over us sin no more hath dominion—
For more than conquerors we are!

His Word shall not fail you—He promised;
Believe Him, and all will be well:
Then go to a world that is dying,
His perfect salvation to tell!

This song dismantles the enemy of our soul’s deception! Satan would like to persuade the soul that is contemplating giving their life to Christ that if they do they will have to deny themselves of all the “fun” in their life.  Just to name a few that I have heard a lot; “If I give my life to Jesus I will have to give up alcohol, sex,parties, whatever has ahold of that person’s heart!” This in itself is a ridiculous statement because the Bible never condemns the use of alcohol but rather condemns drunkenness (letting alcohol control us).  Further, the Bible never condemns sex! It condemns sex outside of marriage.  Lastly, the Bible certainly does not condemn parties and celebrations; are we forgetting that Jesus’ first miracle was turning water into wine at a wedding celebration when the hosts ran out of alcohol? Jesus Himself was accused of being a drunk and a glutton by the “religious” people of his day because he enjoyed a good glass of wine and a delicious feast and mostly just celebrating life and God with His friends and family! The thing that turns all these “things” into “sin” is the human flesh being bent towards perverting and distorting things that were made for enjoyment and pleasure into something we depend on for joy and fulfillment other than God.  It is no wonder humans who do not stay close with the Lord indulge themselves in anything they can find to fulfill their lives! I am guilty of it just as much as the next guy!  I think the greatest example of this is SEX! Why? Because sex was created by God to be a beautiful experience between a man and a woman who have committed to spend the rest of their lives with each other by submitting to whatever the culture in which they lives approves as marriage before God.  Yet, the human soul that desires true fulfillment is offended by this concept because we do not naturally do things God’s way.  We do not want boundaries so humanity throughout history (yes, even in Bible times)  has sex with many partners, engages in homosexuality, watches pornography which ultimately results in major perversions such as sex trafficking little girls and boys, priests molesting children, sexual diseases that are irreversible and women and men feeling used and taken advantage of.  At the very least, men and women have sex with many partners until they finally meet their husband or wife finding themselves unable to give “the love of their life” the precious and beautiful gift of purity (that both the Lord and the world finds extraordinary).  This is not meant to be condemning or make someone who has struggled with any of these things feel worthless (because we ALL struggle with things to some degreee) but rather to awaken the human heart to the intentions of God! God does not give us boundaries in sex or alcohol or whatever we like to do because he is a “cosmic kill joy” but because He wants us to find the maximum pleasure and fulfillment in life.  In other words, less is more.  Just as a piece of chocolate once in a while brings great satisfaction; consuming chocolate in large quantities on a daily basis makes us sick, fat and unappreciative of the fulfillment and pleasure chocolate can bring! So, to tie all that I have said up now.  I would like to bring your attention to the phrase in the hymn ”the things of this earth will grow strangely dim” because this is the truth of giving your life to Christ.  As I have stated before, Satan likes to make people think they have to give up “their stuff” if they want to become a Christian but the truth is that when we give our lives to Christ, the unbalanced and sinful things in our lives that we have tried so often to find fulfillment and pleasure in begin to lose their appeal.  Does this mean Christians stop desiring to sin by stepping out of God’s boundaries? Of course not!  The minute a Christian takes their eyes off Jesus is the minute they will return to trying to fulfill their lives with the things of this earth.  The truth of the matter is that as long as we are on this fallen earth (fallen means that the earth was made sinful by Adam and Eve- the first humans committing the first sin), humans, Christian or not, will struggle with sin! It is only through staying close with Jesus and keeping our eyes on Him that we can even begin to stay within God’s boundries and find the ultimate joy, fulfillment, pleasure and satisfaction of life!

In the words of Jesus Himself:

The thief’s (Satan) purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life (John 10:10 NLT).

After telling you Phil’s story I find it only appropriate to share the message of Salvation and the Good News of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I find it odd that a lot Christians do not know how to share exactly what “the Gospel” message is when it can really be said in just a few words.  This is it: Jesus Christ (the only son of God and God in the flesh) came to earth over 2,000 years ago to save mankind from its sins.  He died a sinner’s death on the cross that humanity actually deserved.  In other words, he took our punishment of deserving eternal hell on the cross.  He died, was buried, and came back to life in 3 days.  The Bible serves as a historical witness to this account.  When Jesus was on the cross and He said, “It is finished;” he was saying that all past, present and future sins of humanity can now be forgiven!  All humanity has to do is accept this message to be truth and accept Jesus as Lord of their life.  Jesus has done the rest!

Now, what does all this mean?

While the gospel message can be said briefly we all have theological questions (meaning questions about God).  Let me just put the Gospel in simpler terms for those of you that were not raised in the evangelical church and never learned the sometimes complicated language.  Jesus is available right now to accept you just where you are.  You do not need to “clean yourself up” first before you ask Him to take over your life.  He loves even the worst of sinners.  He actually delights Himself in taking the royally screwed up people and converting them to Christianity.  Now, in case you are afraid of Hell, don’t really like the word or concept or just don’t believe it exists; hell is actually a real place and part of the salvation message.  GOD DOES NOT SEND PEOPLE TO HELL! We all deserve hell because we are all sinners and we choose hell if we do not choose Jesus.  I know this may be offensive to the pride of our human souls but it is the truth of God’s message (The Holy Bible).  So, it is like this: we as humans are born sinners in DESPERATE need of someone to take away our sin, forgive us, take our punishment away (hell) and grant eternal life in heaven and a fulfilling life on earth.  This is what Jesus did for us.  The only condition is believing that this message is true and asking God to forgive you of your sins (this is why we sing the song Amazing Grace)!  The most amazing this is that Jesus not only forgives us of our past and present sins but he also forgives the future sins that we did not even commit yet! When one goes through this process, they become a Christian (a follower of Christ).  This is where the journey begins! This is where the human soul finally find what it has been looking for; a personal relationship with his or her maker.  This is where that “something missing” in life or lack of purpose that you have felt all makes sense.  This is when you start to get to know God as he truly is and not what you have judged him to be based off your experiences; the one you always knew deep down existed.

Lyrics to Amazing Grace really sums it all up.  The song was written by John Newton in the 1700’s after he accepted Jesus as Lord.  Newton was an English man who participated in slave trading before he found Jesus and became a minister of the Gospel.  He was well aware of how sinful he had lived but accepted the forgiveness and grace of Jesus Christ.  Everyone has heard the song but when you really think about Newton’s story and the words he wrote, you cannot help but understand and be overwhelmed by the grace and mercy of God!

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me -
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

T’was Grace that taught -
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear -
the hour I first believed.

 Through many dangers, toils and snares -
we have already come.
T’was Grace that brought us safe thus far -
and Grace will lead us home.

 The Lord has promised good to me -
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be -
as long as life endures.

 When we’ve been here ten thousand years -
bright shining as the sun.
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise -
then when we’ve first begun.

 Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me -
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

Thanks for visiting my site!

I feel I have much inside of me to share with the world.  This is not because anything great I have done or anything terrible I have not done but simply because God has put thoughts in my mind, feelings in my heart and experiences in my life that I feel compelled to share.  I hope to encourage the young and old alike.  I hope to persuade both girls, boys, men and women.  I hope to restore some hope to those who feel hopeless. I hope to challenge the intellect and pride of the human heart; I hope to make people feel accepted; especially those who have been rejected by their peers, their families and society.  I will start by dedicating this website to my dear friend Phillip Crouse.  He was known as Phil in the somewhat small town of Washington, PA where I was born and raised.  Phil was certainly a troubled teen but one of great thought and insight.  He was rejected by society because he was different.  This in itself is odd since we are all different.  Some of us are just better at looking like we are the same.  Phil was one of those guys that pastors and teachers feared would bring a gun to school and shoot everyone.  He tried to find acceptance in the “goth world” and tampered in Satanic things a bit but it seemed Satan did not even want him.  He had little friends and little loved ones who cared for him.  He was a reject.  He found comfort in pretending that he was a “crazy satanic, long trench coat” kinda guy.  He got some attention this way at least.  Phil was always drawn to Christianity even though he pretended like he hated it.  He always seemed to find himself among my Christian friends and I who didn’t buy into his whole “I am going to shoot everyone” act.  I actually smile when I think of him at the playground behind my house speaking in a language that I am certain he made up but told us it was Satan speaking through him and he was possessed.  Since most of my friends were girls we would just laugh and say “stop faking it Phil!” He hung out with a bunch of Christian girls for two reasons.  One, he was a 15-year-old guy that I am sure enjoyed hanging out with a bunch of pretty girls and two, we accepted him where he was.  Acceptance.  Not always a familiar term to Christians as sad and pathetic as that might be.  I am not saying that Phil’s eccentricity never got on our nerves but we didn’t seem to mind hanging out with him.  My teenage friends and I started a Bible study with our youth pastor when we were 15 or so.  Lots of kids would show up for a time.  We had football players, cheerleaders, good girls and bad boys, and Phil.  Phil was unlike anyone else.  No one really paid much attention to him and he had little friends.  He did have a couple friends from school that were also outcast kind of kids.  He would experiment with drugs a little bit here and there while he listened to the man he related to the most,  marilyn manson.  Phil actually expressed that he looked up to the Columbine shooters though I am not sure if he just said that for attention.  I have to admit that I don’t think Phil could have hurt a fly.  At least not as I knew him.  Perhaps a few more years and a little more rejection would have changed that though.  I am sure the Columbine shooters had a time when they could not hurt a fly as well.  As for Phil though, God had much different plans.  Phil would actually die for the sake of Christ within the next 8 or so years.   Phil went through a series of moves from age 18 to 23ish.  He found himself in Alaska where his mother had moved.  Phil found another Christian group of young people who would be used but God to dramatically change his life.  Somewhere and somehow up there in Alaska, Jesus radically changed Phil’s life.  That is the thing about Jesus; He has the ability to take the biggest reject and troubled soul and turn them upside down into a God fearing and loving individual.  This is the power of Christianity when it is being activated by believers; love that changes even the hardest of hearts.  Phil ended up going to Youth with a Mission (a world-wide Bible and missionary school) in Arvada, Colorado.  Since my family and I lived in Denver, CO at the time, we got to spend Phil’s last year of being on this earth with him.  We threw him his first and last birthday party at my sister’s home.  Not long after that Phil was shot at age 24 on his YWAM base.  Apparently, this man came to kill Christians but he first asked Phil and another girl there if he could stay at the base.  When the girl told him he could not, the gun-man shot both the girl and Phil which ended both their lives.  The ironic thing is that this gun-man was most likely a lot like Phil before he had given his life to Christ.  Phil’s heart was to be an international  and national missionary.  His plan was to return to Washington, PA the day after he was shot (he already had his plane ticket) and share the Good News of Jesus Christ with all the people that use to think of him as  the guy that was going to blow up the school.  He had not been back in Washington since his conversion in Alaska.  I remember Phil speaking of specifically sharing Jesus with his buddy Brandon from high school (I hope Brandon will read this).  I am not sure who else he was going to share Jesus with but I am sure he would have told Brandon and the others something like this: “I am not the same.  I have been loved and accepted by Jesus who awakened my heart to love others and life.  Drugs could not satisfy my soul and neither could anything this world has to offer but Jesus, man, he has changed my life!  I know longer need drugs to fill the void in my life or negative attention to get some attention.  I was accepted just where I was by Jesus and now I have dedicated my whole life to sharing how he has healed my pain, made me feel loved and has taken away my fear.  I know Jesus wants to do this in your life too! All you have to do is accept Him as Lord of your life and give Him yourself (even if it is not much to offer).  Jesus will do the rest!”  I really think this is what Phil would have said in a Phil-like way of course.  Phil was killed because he was a follower of Christ which would make him a modern day martyr.  Though Phil is missed dearly and the tragedy of his fate still brings tears to my eyes, I think he fulfilled his calling  and desire to be a missionary.  He told the world through news reporters, websites, the television and human conversation his story of conversion in such a dramatic way that all of America heard the Gospel (and perhaps some of the world)! His message is extraordinary and I truly believe it was Phil’s honor to die for his savior who died for his sins on the cross. 

This website is dedicated to you Phil! To remember Phil and see what he was up to before he passed check out this video link that YWAM made for Phil:

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=24006835

-Jory