Our Baby Makin’ Dreams On Hold

_MG_0062Last month I turned 31.  I am noticing my first white hairs, wrinkles, and my inability to eat whatever I want and not get fat.  As girls, we dream of having our own family our entire lives.  I loved my Barbie dolls, but not like I loved my baby dolls.

A few months ago my dad dug out some old family videos of my 3rd birthday party.  I must have opened 10 gifts and tossed them all to the side until I got to the gift I was obviously looking for – a new baby doll and a wooden play crib.

After that point, my three-year-old self had zero interest in opening any other gifts.  I was content.  My little heart was completely full.  I began ignoring all of my guests and party events and decided it was more important that I hold and rock my new baby.

At one point in the video I must have decided the baby needed a nap so I laid her down and covered her with wrapping paper because I couldn’t find a blanket.

I can’t imagine anything I want more than a family.  I was called to the ministry when I was 13-years-old and have been pursuing the same vocation my entire life, but I believe I would even lie down that dream to have a family.

Almost a year ago, my husband and I decided to try for a baby.  We got pregnant the first month of trying.  My hormones were off the chart and my headaches got worse, but we were so excited and full of hope for our unborn child.

About 6 weeks in, I had a miscarriage.  It was devastating to me.  I felt as if our dream was shattered.  It was my plan to start trying again right away, but Luke and I both came to a decision that we were not quite ready to have a baby.

We began to feel overwhelmed with the idea.  We don’t feel settled.  We are in transition and the thought of adding the stress (even good stress) of having a baby was and is too much.  Luke arrived at the decision first and I bucked against him initially.

I felt as though time was running out.  I am 31 and half of our friends already have 2 children.  I sensed my biological clock was ticking and wanted to get the show on the road despite the stress we were both feeling.

I cried my eyes out, but I knew Luke was right.  I sensed the Lord was asking me to put this dream on hold until He gives us the go.  Once I accepted that it was not the right time I began to feel a sense of relief.

I also realized that I needed to get healthier before trying for a child again.  I realized that if I would not have had a miscarriage, I would have struggled to care for a baby at this point in my life.

I want a baby more than I want anything in the world, but a blessing can sometimes feel like a curse if it is not in God’s timing.

Sometimes I am tempted to worry.  What if I run out of time?  What if I am older than 35 when I get pregnant and have a high-risk pregnancy?  What if it takes years to conceive and I end up having only one child?  The “what ifs” are endless.

But I choose to trust God and when Luke and I both are more at peace with the idea and my health is better we will try again.  This could be 6 months from now or years from now.  I don’t know.  I hope it is sooner than later, but I will not force it.  Luke and I together will wait on the Lord’s timing and I believe the Lord’s timing is when we are both at peace at the same time.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding (Proverbs 3:5).

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10 Comments

  • Don’t worry my mom had my brother at 30, me at 37 and my younger brother at 42 (they told her she was never supposed to have kids so she just gave up trying). I’m 18 now. God has a plan for everything.

  • Considering that God is Maker & Creator and is in control, if it’s His will for you to have a baby sooner, rather than later, you will. Timing is an important factor too, that you both be where God wants you to be. I’ll be praying for you.

  • If I could have listened to God and not have been stubborn..I would have wanted my children later. There are more layers to the parent child relationship than an onion. You are right, as hard as it is to wait, it’s good to wait. Remember, in Bible times a certain woman was way past birthing age yet still conceived.

  • I am with you Jory. We haven’t miscarried, just haven’t conceived. And you are so right about the what ifs, so many what ifs! My Mom had my brother after my parents were married 6 years and a miscarriage at 28 and 2 more miscarriages and me 10 1/2 years later at 38. It’s a beautiful story of faith, trusting and perseverance. But does this have to be my story too? Oh I hope and pray not. But God’s timing, and a healthier body, we’re working on that too! And whatever God has for us, I know it will be a great story, just like all of my other ones! God is good no matter what! One day Jory, we both will be having beautiful babies!!! Faith, trust, and perseverance!

  • Hello Jory. I love your blog, it is very inspiring. As a woman of faith my husband and I are wondering when the right time for us to conceive will be as well. We have been TTC for 17 months now with no success. I’m learning that the goal in life is to learn to enjoy the ride. Life is not a race, what’s meant to be will be.
    “My child, you worry too much. I’ve got this, remember.” -God

    • I so understand the burning desire to have a child – He is teaching me also that His timing is perfect and even if I never had a child, He is enough. Thanks for reading! 🙂

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