Online Dating Sux #SingleWithLeah

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Welp, summer is here. Beach time is in full swing, and last night I ate an entire gluten free / dairy free pizza by myself. So yeah, you could say that I’m taking this whole summer-body thing super seriously.

I’m gonna be honest with y’all: I know in the past I have blasted online dating, but I have to admit that I’ve only blasted it because I am so, so familiar with it. I just finished up a much-too-long stint on eHarmony in which I met a guy from New Jersey who kept calling me, “Miss” and it really just felt like I was a kindergarten teacher or an elderly florist or something. I’m off topic.

I work a bajillion hours a week at a church that is full of thousands of people, maybe like 7 of which are single. That ratio is probably inaccurate, but that’s how it feels. I am propelled into the spotlight and I’ve been told that I’m unapproachable because of it. That has really never made sense to me, but okay, sure, I’m unapproachable.

Because of my work hours and the fact that no single guy in my church will actually come and talk to me, maybe because of my position, but probably mostly because I have a natural scowl on my face 99% of the time without realizing it, online dating seemed like a natural choice for me. I don’t go to clubs. I don’t really do bars. I don’t go to singles groups because I am so socially awkward. So it just felt like it might be a good fit.

I’ve tried Match. I’ve tried eHarmony. I once tried ChristianMingle for 12 hours, but was freaked out. When I was young and naive I tried Plenty of Fish (not recommended unless you have fetishes that you want to explore and/or like guys who wear socks with sandals and John Cena t-shirts.)

Can we all just take a minute and laugh at the fact that online dating is so, so, so ridiculous? You have to laugh sometimes, or else you will be on your 15th second date in 3 months and you’ll have gained 12 pounds from all of the nachos that you are consuming to cover up for the fact that you are slowly dying because the guy you are currently out with won’t stop talking about how much he lifted at the gym today. “We should work out sometime together cutie. You can be my spotter.”

**nervously laughs** Haha, uhhhh, well, ummm…are there more nachos?

So yeah, it’s summer, and it’s supposed to be fun and exciting and summer-lovin and whatnot, am I’m still single and still eating entire pizzas by myself (I am somebody’s dream girl, I swear), so I’ve decided that I need to laugh. So yeah, let’s laugh. Let’s take a really fun look at some of the people that you meet online, not to make fun of them, but more to make fun of ourselves because these are the people that we are actually choosing between and going on dates with.

The Spiritual Sam: 
Am I looking for a guy that has the same values as me? Yeah, I am. But I am freaked out by people who take their entire profile and use it as a salvation message and alter call. And what are those misspellings? Are you speaking in tongues? Like dude, do you like sports or nah? Do you like hiking? Do you like dogs? What’s your favorite color? No, washed-in-the-blood red is not a color. Not everything has a spiritual connotation, and I don’t really want to be talking about Jesus while hockey is on, unless Jesus is actually the first name of one of the players.

The Caps Lock Sufferer:
If I get a message from anyone in all caps, I assume 1 of 3 things: 1) A celebrity that I love has died. 2) You are an angry elf. 3) You saw my ex and his new girlfriend has a tongue ring. So when I’m online, and I get a message that is full on caps locking, I feel like you are shouting at me. Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoy a good shouting match in a relationship. Sometimes you just need to get it out and then have a good kiss after, but we’re not there yet, Jason4u1982. So I’m gonna need you to relax. Unless of course Leonardo DiCaprio has died, then by all means, caps lock away.

The Passive Aggressive Peter:
The Passive Aggressive Peter has to be my most fave person on dating websites, only because it makes me laugh every single time. I want to start by saying that this scenario that I am about to describe has happened to me REPEATEDLY and it never ceases to amaze me that this happens at all.

I get a message from a guy, and I don’t feel the need to respond right away, because I have this crazy thing called a job and sometimes it gets busy. After a few hours of not responding, I get another message from this same guy that says, “Well, okay then. If you don’t want to talk, you could have just said so.” Oh man, I did want to talk. But, I don’t want to talk anymore because you seem like somebody who would text me 12 times while I was at the grocery store asking who was with me and that he misses me and wondering if I’m mad at him because I didn’t send an emoji with that last text. Babe, I’m here for peanut butter, tortilla chips and coconut milk and yeah, possibly a new boyfriend.

The Overconfident Omar:
I once got a message from a guy, and he was just super aggressive. Something along the lines of “Hey baby, you would complete my life, and trust me, my life is really good. Let me show you a good time. You won’t be disappointed.” First of all, gag. Second of all, you did just show me a good time simply by sending me that message that has since been screenshotted and sent to all of my girls. So I didn’t respond, mainly because I had NO IDEA how to respond to that, and after a few minutes, he messaged me again, and said, not even kidding, the following thing: “Awww, you got nervous and intimidated by me and didn’t know what to say back. That’s so cute. That’s okay, honey. I can work with that.” Guys, I died. Twice. You can “work” elsewhere, homie. Commence screenshotting, round two.

So yeah, were these guys ridiculous? Yeah, they were. But then again, my latest screen name on one of these sites was “TheBestGuacamole,” so who is actually the ridiculous one?

But in all honesty, dating of all kinds sucks. Sometimes we need to give people a chance. And sometimes, all the time, actually, we need to trust our gut. You are smart and informed and you know yourself better than anyone else, and if you don’t want to date somebody, don’t date them. And if you go on a few dates with them, and you don’t like them, then that’s okay. And if they’re totally not your type, but you like them a lot, that’s okay, too.

It’s summer sixteen, y’all. Let’s have fun. Let’s eat pizza. Let’s order nachos on a date. And most of all, let’s laugh at our lives because sometimes, you really just have to. And hey, if you’re thinking of joining an online dating site, feel free to use “TheBestGuacamole” as your screen name. You’re so welcome.

L

Leah Barterian works as the Youth Program Director at Grace Christian Church in Metro Detroit, Michigan. She is extremely passionate about singleness, Red Wings hockey, social equality, and late-night snacking. She loves baked cheetos, puppies, and laughing at videos where people slip on the ice. She inexplicably hates black beans and humidity. Follow Leah on Twitter and Instagram @Leahbarterian. Explore Leah’s blog HERE.

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9 Comments

  • That was really funny. I feel for you. Dating sites depress me also. I bet I am a religious sam more than the others, he he. I also miss spell words and have typos. I write books but I need a good editor to make me look good!

    • Haha, there are no worries when it comes to online dating. This was written more for my amusement than anything else. Dating in general SUCKS, so we just have to learn to laugh. Don’t worry about the typos, either- I have an online editor that makes me look good all the time! 🙂 Thanks for reading, Matthew!

  • To the writer of this blog, I say this. Your style of writing reminds me of someone who calls herself “Hopeful Girl” You should look for her book which is called, “Would like to meet”. Of course, for all I know, by writing this comment I may be communicating with Hopeful Girl. I bought her book, it is amusing, but makes serious points.

    • You are not communicating right now with Hopeful girl, but I hope that one day I will have a mild following that makes people reference my writing style! Thanks for your input, George!

  • Leah, girl you have always cracked me up! I swear I think my dog thinks I’m crazy…too late!! Lol Keep going! Live well and laugh lots! Oh my, I’m still laughing!! ❤

  • What a great read Jory!! Thank you for making me smile……to add to the PlentyofFish site experiences — some of these guys are married and I’ve heard stuff like “I’m separated”, and “she doesn’t understand me” and nonsense like that. Best comeback to married guys I’ve found is, “Dude! If one gal isn’t enough for you, why would you want to go and tick off two?!?!”
    Oh, and some of these guys post more than one profile…..so let the searcher beware.

    As a Christian woman who is single, I’ve avoided Christian Mingle because when I left an abusive husband with my son (hubby was also a Christian) I had spent a lot of time going over what had happened and have learned a lot both about himself and myself. One key factor in approaching a fellow who is a believer is to see what the family dynamics would be like — especially when it turns serious. Secondly, to see how those dynamics affect you, as well. That is, if the awkwardness of fellows clearly looking for their future missus doesn’t scare you off. So I have avoided the whole idea of just going onto dating sites altogether anymore, communicating with Christ and spending quiet times….and have been nurturing myself with great reads like Divorce Care, which provides some great and godly insights into the emotional, mental, financial and spiritual fallout that occurs in separation and divorce. And some excellent insights too, on new dynamics in relationships as one begins socializing again.

    Another is The Snare: by Lois Mowday: Learning to Avoid Emotional and Sexual Entanglements. She became a widow after her husband was killed in a ballooning accident. Some excellent reading here…..not always easy, but good.

    As a single mom of a 17-year-old who has autism, I’ve concentrated as well on taking care of myself, nurturing my relationship with Christ and with my son — in that order (I am currently surviving a cancer scare through treatment with chemo and radiation: It was caught early with a 95% survival rate for me — which is plenty to be thankful to Christ about, as well as all He blesses us with daily!!! I’m starting the radiation in a few weeks and have finished the chemo).

    So thank you again, for a great smile for the day, and I am looking forward to more great reads on your blog.

    All Best Wishes,

    Laura John 14:27

  • I really enjoyed this hilarious post…and feel for young women BUT…just remember you are still free and you have agency…these two features of life may never be yours again…so your assignment is to write out 20 reasons you love being free and being able to do what you want…and 20 reasons you would miss both these qualities in your life…and if any man comes near you be sure to get all your friends and family to give you their honest opinions of him…and listen to them, please! They truly love you… I know too many women who didn’t listen to their family and friends and have lived to REALLY regret it, not only emotionally but financially etc.

    Best wishes all you single girls

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