Marriage Confessions of a “Strong-Willed” Woman…

When I was a teenager my youth pastor kindly predicted that I would need to marry a man who would be willing to grab me by the back of my hair and “lay me out” if need be.  He was not being mean; he was humorously conveying that I would need to marry a man who was not afraid to challenge me and he was right.  However, if Luke were to attempt to grab my hair and “lay me out,” things would get scary for everyone involved. #JustSayin

I came out of the womb “strong willed” as my sweet mother likes to put it.  Poor mom spent her young-mommy-years clinging to James Dobson and reading books on how to raise a “strong willed” child.  I don’t envy her. A part of me is hoping for a docile little girl someday, but I am sure my views will make her a “wild woman” like me which is also cool.

At a young age I knew I needed a certain kind of guy.  God spoke to me very young and told me that I would be an evangelist and that I needed to be willing to move around as He directed.  I was not sure what that meant exactly, but I knew I would need to marry someone very flexible.  The problem with “flexible” however, is that flexible men are often easily swayed and liable to break under pressure.

I would need a rock that is not easily fractured when tossed around by stormy oceans.  One that can go with the wind, but also lay calmly by the shore.  I needed someone who was able to bend without breaking.  

Growing up I thought I would need to marry someone who had a stronger will than me if he was going to be my “leader.”  I bought into the very traditional idea that the husband was called to have some sort of authority over the wife.  I don’t ignore that the Bible calls husbands to headship; I just believe “headship” has nothing to do with “authority” (Read my views on headship here: http://jorymicah.com/2015/04/15/is-the-husband-the-head-of-the-home/).

The problem was that every guy I met who was even close to my level of “strong-willledness” was a jerk.  Plus, very strong willed men were very rarely attracted to me.  They were normally iintimidated by my personality.  Even if they were into me, they would ultimately run away.  I have found that very strong willed men are often very insecure and I have never been into insecure.

I needed a guy who was very secure in God and in himself.  I was very turned off by over-emotional guys, as I saw them as unstable and unpredictable which made me feel insecure.  I am not saying men should never cry, but if they cry more than me then we have a problem. I was also turned off by guys who lost their cool easily.

I also wanted a guy who wanted to take care of me, but also understood my need to chase dreams outside the home and family.  I have always had one goal and all my other goals have been centered around it.  I was called to be a minister; therefore, my husband, my education, the people I chose to spend time with, and all of my life choices needed to further me towards that goal.  This was and is my destiny and my decisions had to complement my purpose. 

I am a strong advocate of first knowing Jesus because we can only know God through Jesus and we can only know our purpose by knowing God.

God is our creator.  We were not made in a factory.  We were each designed as originals by the artist of the universe.  Everything we need to fulfill our purpose is already within us and has been since before we were born.

The way we look and act is for a purpose.  The color of our skin, our social status, our language, where we were born, who we were born to – it is all perfectly orchestrated by the hand of the creator and it is all for a very specific reason.

There was a time when I struggled to accept my “strong willed” personality and wondered if I should try and dilute it to get the “right man.”  But God showed me that my purpose in Him is greater than marriage and that if I was meant to get married, He would send me someone who would complement my purpose.

“Never water down your personality” God spoke to my heart.  “You were born to shine, Jory and if a man cannot accept you how I made you then they are not worth your time.”  Oh you didn’t know that God speaks to His children? It is often a thought, a feeling, or a dream; but He does speak.  He speaks quite often if we quiet our souls and spend time talking with Him and focusing within.

Women often change themselves for guys because they don’t know their greater purpose.  Like I said, we can only know our calling by knowing God and we can only know God through accepting Christ.  Because I was blessed enough to meet Christ at a very young age, I knew God at a very young age and He told me my purpose.

There are always clues to our purpose.  What are you passionate about?  What is your true personality like?  What are you good at?  When we have a clear destiny as women, we will not settle for a man who does not complement us.  The cost is too high.  We don’t have time to get distracted.  We have important things to do.

My heart smiles when I think about my husband Luke.  What a blessed, blessed woman I am.  He has enriched my life and is smarter than me in so many ways.  He teaches and inspires me constantly.  He is the peaceful background music to my often hectic life.

I love how long-suffering and tolerant he is without allowing people to walk all over him.  I love that he has boundaries and that he challenges me to love deeper and give more without ever demanding anything from me.

I know “Christian world” says that I am supposed to be “the helper” in the marriage, but Luke is more of a helper than anyone I know.  He will never be as strong-willed as me because he simply does not have a strong preference in most things.  He will always be a better helper than me because he has the gift of “helping” and I don’t.  Our maker implanted this gift inside my husband and he finds great joy in serving others.

I am fascinated by my husband’s originality.  He was painted so differently than me, but so beautifully.  I often think of us as puzzle pieces shaped so distinctly but somehow we fit together.  He gets to take part in my unique gifts and I get to take part in his.  The truth is that I could not have done all I have done and will  continue to do without Luke. Although we are two separate people, we are slowly but surely becoming as one.

Within Luke is a treasure chest of goodies that I don’t posses.  When I don’t have what it takes to accomplish my goals, I reach into Luke’s soul and barrow his gifts.  When he does not have what it takes, he reaches into my soul and borrows my gifts. We are team.  When I win he wins and when I lose he loses.  When he is happy I am happy and when he is sad I am sad.

Together Luke and I put our trust in Christ and in Christ alone.  We are far from perfect and have had some very rough seasons, but we stay true to each other by staying true to our maker’s design.