Many of my online readers have asked me when I am going to write that first book that I said I was going to write years ago; the answer is, after I am healed from the post-traumatic oppression, discrimination and suppression of the Christian Patriarchy.
The truth is that I have written over 100,000 words of content behind the social media scene, but every time I go to complete the project, I feel major resistance emotionally.
Though I am sensitive, I am not always the best at understanding my complex emotions. I tend to live in my head; I feel most comfortable connecting with others on an intellectual level.
For that reason, my emotions often take the form of physical pain and emotional pain so deep & demanding, before I can and will work on healing whatever emotional wounds from the past that I have sought to deny, ignore and numb for many years.
Years of oppression in any form will cause emotional, psychological, physical and spiritual trauma; for me, this trauma has often showed up in a form of “PTSD” due to my tendency to detach from how I actually feel in the moment.
I never want to give anyone the “credit” of hurting me; I hate that so many Christian leaders have had that sort of power over me. The truth; however, is that many Christian leaders did hurt me and because it happened over and over again throughout my adult life, I never really had a chance to recognize & work on healing my deeply wounded soul.
It’s sort of embarrassing looking back on it now, but I wanted to be accepted in the white evangelical church culture that I grew up in; not just for a woman with “equal worth” in theory, but also as a woman who was born to be a leader.
Each and every time that I thought that I was going to finally be accepted by what I saw as my “church family,” I was ultimately oppressed, diminished, under-estimated, silenced and ignored in very strange, life-shattering, traumatic ways.
It took a lot of time for me to realize that I kept getting into these terrible situations for the purpose of me seeing where I need to heal. Since I am hard-headed, it took several traumatic experiences for me to wake up to the fact that I am holding unto wounds and goals that are no longer serving me.
The last time I was fiercely rejected and discriminated against by the Christian patriarchy, I stopped dead in my tracks and took some time to think about why I keep allowing the people who rejected me to run my heart and WHY I KEEP TRYING TO FIND HEALING BY RETURNING TO MY ABUSER (with different names and faces) OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
I have recently realized that it is time to find a new life track.
This idea of turning around and finding a new road to travel scares me greatly because I have been on this same road since I was 13-years-old. I am considering going back to school to become a social worker; who knows though, I simply know that it is time for me to move on from trying to be a tangible female leader in the local white evangelical world.
As I allow myself to accept my anger, sadness and the greatest disappointment of my life, I am slowly and naturally going to be able to forgive the Christian patriarchy for rejecting me.
As I allow myself to go through this healing process, completing my first book will not be so triggering and it will not be filled with inexperienced and hallow knowledge on how to heal from patriarchal oppression.
I refuse to release a book with my own dark shadows of judgement, resentment & bitterness scattered through the message. When I am fully healed and these gaping wounds turn into scars, I plan to complete my first book.
I want to continue to learn how we together can heal from oppression and systemic abuse (as well as all of the life problems that come from being systemically oppressed for years), but I must first face my own illusions and come to terms with my own reality.
Healing is essential to taking our mission of “breaking the glass steeple” to the next level.
We must break free from old patterns of thinking and change our own lives where needed and wanted if we want to help others break free. We cannot dig others out of “dark pits” until we ourselves have found a way out. As for me, it’s time for me to let some major pain go. I can’t carry it any longer; it’s been holding me back from my fullest destiny for a long time and it’s time to let it all go.
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I deeply DEEPLY love this authentic and beautiful honest post
Thank you my soul sister!!! XoXo
Thank you for speaking truth about spiritual abuse and trauma. They are devastating and so very real. May healing restore hope in what the Kindom of God can truly be, as well as your space in that Kindom. You are so very loved!
Thank you very much, Rhesa (and cool name)! 🙂
Thank you so saying this. So many people, even people in the church, don’t believe how painful patriarchy can be, and they certainly don’t recognize the long term toll it takes.
The process of writing my first book was painful, in spite of feeling called to do it. Several times I had to face the grief of years of being told to be quiet and get back in my place – here I was putting a book out into the world, doing what I had it drilled into me I was not allowed to do.
After publishing the first, I started working on a book about women in the church. I’ve made alot of notes, and maybe someday God will bring me back around to that work, but for now I’ve put that issue aside. I started writing a novel, and writing was fun. It was exciting. I decided to put my skills to use that way – writing fantasy books, not unlike the Inklings.
I think you would make a wonderful social worker, Jory. And we badly need them these days.
Thank you so much for sharing your story of writing. It is helpful and I appreciate you, friend! Xo
So nice to read you. This was heartfelt and beautifully written. I too suffer/recovering from all the ‘isms.” I have a calling from God, Mother Holy Spirit to lead. I can do nothing else but. Presently I am writing a book about Mother Holy Spirit, the 2nd Person of the Godhead. As you can see, all that I’ve said is contrary to what we’ve been taught. The fact of the matter is, we were created in Her image, after Her likeness. It’s all there in scripture. My assignment is to prove She exists. You, I and all women are image-bearers of the Divine Feminine.
I know that once it is proven without a shadow of a doubt that God is also She, through scripture, major healing will take place, you, I and many women will break through that glass steeple and walk-in our ministry called by God.
Jory, it takes a long time to heal from the kinds of patriarchal church experiences you have been through.
The book will happen when it happens.
Meanwhile, go see the documentary Maiden about the first women’s yacht to sail in the round-the-world yacht race (1989-90).
Jory, here is my only thought after reading your brutally honest and painful blog. When I taught writers, I always had them “follow the red thread”. Our lives are a tangled mess, and sometimes you just need to start where you are and follow the thread through the maze. I promised them that if they did so, they would write their way to Truth. I followed my own advice over a decade ago and wrote a spiritual autobiography called “King the Helicopter Woman” which detailed my journal from sexual abuse as a non-Christian to healing and forgiveness. I did not hold back. I made myself open up the wounds and feel them anew searching for insight. I understand you wanting to wait until you are healed until you write, but the healing comes FROM the writing. And you will find peace in the end by going through the process. Begin where you are, dear sister in Christ. We are your tribe. We have experienced the anger and bitterness and rejection. And we need to see you unravel your own redemptive story so we can become fellow sojourners. As always, opinion of one. Thanks for you.