An Open Letter to My Husband #EgalitarianMarriageSeries (Pt.1)

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I am too honest. You are too non-confrontational. I am too aggressive. You are too passive-aggressive. I take too many risks. You take too few risks. You sacrifice too much. I sacrifice too little. I am too outspoken. You need to speak up more. I am romantic. You are practical.

I move too quickly. You move too slowly. You prefer small talk. I prefer deep conversations. You joke too much. I need to lighten up. I am a leader. You are a manager. You are easygoing. I am, well, not easygoing.  You save money. I spend money. I cry too often. You cry too little. I am an East Coast girl. You are a West Coast boy.

There is nothing about you and I that makes sense, darling, but have I told you lately that I know you are the one for me? 

I keep thinking, I should wait for our anniversary to write this post, but I know you prefer spontaneous and homemade gifts from the heart. In fact, I hate that about you so much. I hate that you don’t want Christmas or birthday gifts, but I also know that if I outlive you, I will tell stories to our grandchildren with tears in my eyes.

Oh, your grandfather was a stubborn man. He never let me buy him gifts. He would rather me spend the money on myself or give it away to the poor. It used to drive me nuts. God, I miss him.

There have been several times in our almost seven years of marriage that I thought I made a mistake. I thought, “We should have listened to our pre-marital counselor when he told us we were not a compatible couple.” Remember, the stupid marriage compatibility test said that the only thing we had in common was our love for God?

We started getting into some pretty intense fights before we were even married. I wasn’t good at romantic relationships. I think I am getting better. I was so scared of marrying the wrong person and God would not give me a hard “Yes” or “No.” In the past, I always knew when a guy was not the one. God made it clear in one way or another. But with you, God was silent.

A few days after we got engaged, I took my diamond ring off and laid it on the ground. I got on my knees and with tears in my eyes, I told God, “Let your will be done.” I was so in love with you and I was petrified that God was going to take you away from me.

I have always known that God is a jealous God, and when I was in high school, I made idols out of boyfriends. I knew I had a tendency to put romance before God, so I swore off dating after high school. Boys were my weakness. They made me lose focus on God. I had big “ministry things” to do. For five years, I stayed out of love and focused on God for the most part.

There were opportunities for love, but either God or my intense anxiety over relationships kept me single (maybe both). I thought I was looking for someone like myself and since I probably thought too highly of myself at the time, I remained alone. You were nothing of what I thought I was searching for.

I remember the first time I ever saw you in person like it was yesterday. You stood over in the corner, a bit shy, but smiling at me with both humility and self-confidence. I loved your smile. Everyone fusses over your eyes (they are beautiful), but your smile is my favorite of all your physical attributes.

Your smile is what made me want to make out with you all day, every day, but that’s not what made me fall in love with you. We had so much fun together and still do. We never stop laughing. The storms of life could be raging all around us and we still find something to laugh about together.

I also began to notice that you were my other half. Nothing about us was the same. We were not compatible. We had a lot of “working out the kinks” to do and still do. But I was everything you were not and you were everything I was not.

You would teach me how to serve Jesus sacrificially and I would teach you how to love Jesus passionately.

You would teach me about politics and I would teach you about theology. You would teach me how to slow down and I would teach you how to speed up. Turns out you were everything I ever wanted and exactly what I needed, and all we needed to be compatible was a heart for God.

(This post is part 1 of an #EgalitarianMarriageSeries. Egalitarians are Christians who believe that the Bible teaches husbands/men and wives/women are equal in both worth & authority in the home & church. We oppose “complementarianism” which teaches that Christian husbands/men and wives/women are equal in worth, but husbands/men inherently have greater authority in the home & church).

Follow Jory Micah’s Blog For More Egalitarian Marriage Theology & Advice by Inserting Your Email to the Right or Below!

Relevant Posts I have Written:

“What Does Husband Headship Really Mean?” (FIND HERE).

“Does the Bible Give Fathers/Husbands a Gender Role?” (FIND HERE).

“Is the Wife the Helper and What does that Mean?” (FIND HERE).

 

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31 Comments

  • Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!! What more can i say!

  • Thanks babe, I think I teared up a little when you were talking to our grandkids, lol. Couldn’t agree more that our opposing traits complete one another.

  • as the wife of a completely opposite husband, it’s always encouraging to read posts that feature similar marriages that work. thanks for sharing!

  • On behalf of my youngest, my 6 year old grandson, I want to thank you. He knows what it means to Love as CHRIST and to sacrifice all. He will fight to protect you until he dies if needed.

    On behalf of my 98 pound, 15 year old, daughter; she knows what may be required of her and is capable. Jory, she could take out you and Luke in about 20 seconds; without a weapon. She will be there to help if needed.

    1 John 2:
    14 I have written unto you, fathers, because ye have known him that is from the beginning. I have written unto you, young men, because ye are strong, and the word of God abideth in you, and ye have overcome the wicked one.
    15 Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.
    16 For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.

    To the many posting, I do not see chaste conversations coupled with fear. I do not see the older women teaching the younger to love their husbands and children; “To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.” as required in Titus 2. But I do see requirements to rebuke failure in the last verse.

    To Love as CHRIST; is to provide when and what is needed. I do no see sufficient wisdom or conviction applied to grow such. Do you want the providership and protection in such? Can you possibly make things any harder for the rest of us?

      • The message was for Luke and the others here; but I thought it was pretty self explanatory. He definitely was made for you. You are not two, but one flesh; what GOD hath joined together, let no man put asunder, including you (Mark 10:8&9 Matthew 19:6). His death would be the only thing that could change that, but you still hold bound: “The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.” (1 Corinthians 7:39).

        “You would teach me how to serve Jesus sacrificially and I would teach you how to love Jesus passionately. You would teach me about politics and I would teach you about theology. ”

        CHRIST will teach him how to Love, not you; but your reverence and submission in everything is commanded (Ephesians 5), as well as your chaste conversations coupled with fear (1 Peter 3) and teaching the younger women (Titus 2). I see none of these requirements sufficed here. If you want to teach theology, then maybe you should associate with theologians; not someone taught to teach theology and insufficient to even know the requirements?

        In your concept, lets hire a brain surgeon without experience; taught by brain surgeons, without experience; who have ideas and concepts outside of those experienced? But this case is even worse, outside of HIS PLAN? You may have been impacted, but as you know we are correcting these situations now; but should this remove all of your obligation in association and to know better?

        Remember we are a Body with many Commands from HIM. Do you want to serve HIM. Do you want to teach our children? I would also think of these things, but especially worry about what HE thinks. It is written that individual interpretations or feeling are not high upon HIS list; we Love you and others enough to point this out. Commands of and in Love soon become cherished; no longer commands, but part of Love.

        • Charity – I am going to be honest with you because I know how long it takes to write long comments (as you are writing). Luke and I are not at all interested in your relationship advice based off your personal theology. You are welcome to disagree with egalitarian theology, but if you continue to make strange statements towards my husband and I (like your daughter could “take us out”) I will have to block you from my blog.

          • Hey, just pointing out that you serve no purpose nor are you capable of proving anything yet; but you have proven you can harass with the best of them already. I don’t believe there is much of a calling for that.

            HE will require you both to a calling that serves HIS purpose and not yours at some point in time soon. We are entering into perilous days, just trying to prepare you and others for that; because we Love you.

            To serve HIM or not, the choice is yours; hopefully we can keep it that way for a while longer. Many have and will continue to try their best, even sacrificing all, to ensure that. Both of you remember such as you learn. Perspective in wisdom, the Love of others and especially HIS Love will always humble you.

          • Charity – goodbye sister. You will now be blocked from my blog. Personal attacks are not welcome and saying that “I serve no purpose” is not only ungodly, but even those who are not believers would be shocked. God bless your life. I pray you find freedom.

  • Beautifully said. I have been blessed by a relationship where we are a lot alike, except on matters of our faith. He is not a believer (I don’t think he or I was sure when we married, although we had a wedding with a minister and went to pre marriage counseling with that minister) and while I see others mourn for me I am so thankful he encourages me to explore my faith and share it with our kids.

    I wish you guys many more years of circling each other and growing together. <3

  • Oh my goodness, this sounds exactly like my husband and I and our personalities. I mean I could have written verbatim what you wrote taking about my hubs! Crazy 🙂 Love it

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